Co-parenting: How to define a new normal after separation

Children are uncomfortable throughout the process and also after the divorce. They require both their mother and father, whether they live together or apart. It takes a lot of effort for both parents to reach a stage where they can claim their co-parenting relationship is doing well. Recognise what is working well instead of focusing on what is still not so that you may highlight the positives while you attempt to resolve conflicts with your ex.

Dealing with co-parenting, especially at the beginning of a separation, can be extremely difficult. The parents are forming a new normal in terms of what they want from life, how things will be, and how to redefine their identity. There is emotional chaos, grief, frustration, guilt, emotional breakdown with all this happening in your life you should stand strong for the sake of the kids. Perhaps the term “challenging” isn’t powerful enough to describe this. It takes a lot of courage to remain strong for the children while going through such a traumatic experience.

Everyone involved in a separation or divorce is anxious and emotional, but children often feel as if their entire world has been turned upside down. Witnessing the breakdown of your parent’s marriage and the breakup of the family at any age can be traumatic. Kids may be shocked, puzzled, or outraged. Some parents or sometimes even children may feel shame and blame themselves for the societal pressure.

It’s really difficult for children to accept that their parents will not live together and they have to choose either of one parent. Sometimes such situations are formed where a child does not have a choice to live with a preferred parent and it becomes very difficult for a child to cope with such situations. If parents choose to Co-parent and work together for their child, it works tremendously for the child’s future. Separation is never a simple process, and such a transitional phase is always filled with grief and hardship.

We all are aware of some celebrities like Amir Khan and Kiran Rao, Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne, Saif Ali Khan and Amrita Singh, and many more who are setting an example by co-parenting their children very well after their divorce.

There are a few steps with which you can start to work on equal or co-parenting:

Forget about what happened in the past

Remembering and talking about the same thing will never help you co-parent your kid/s. It is not easy but If you keep thinking of the past, you’ll be unable to look ahead.

Your main focus must be on your child

You won’t be able to co-parent successfully if you keep on arguing or waiting for every chance you get to pull down your ex. Focusing or concentrating more on what happened in the past will not help you look forward. What’s best for your child must be of utmost importance.

Communication is the key

Remember to communicate clearly. The more respectful, clear, direct, and concise your communication, the more it will be easy for you. Actively listen to what the other person has to say. Take turns instead of interrupting.

Be positive towards each other

How much ever things may have gone to the south, including a positive manner of talking will induce positive co-parenting. Following mutually agreed-upon rules or giving, compliments will help.

Self-care

It is one of the most important things to care for yourself during these tough times. Grieve about your hurt with trustworthy friends and family. Make a routine for yourself. Do not be hard on yourself.

Take professional help

Taking professional help from a parental coach will help you open up so many different ways to deal with things and ease your grief and hardship of the situation.

Co-parenting is going to be very challenging but if you focus on what’s best for your kid/s whether or not as a unit, you’ll be a successful co-parent.

(The writer is Founder and Parenting Coach at We Positive Parenting, Ahmedabad.) 

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