Opinion Up the down staircase

Psephologists: Currently in peak demand and elevating our evenings with their TV appearances,where,like magicians,they dazzle us with their number juggling and swingometers and,their latest trick,the invisible NaMo factor. With excitable anchors alongside to give them vocal support and sets that remind us of Star Wars,psephology has started to rival Kaun Banega Crorepati,which is what most election winners tend to become.

Political analysts: Like psephologists,they are increasingly in demand as politics heats up. Every word,every gesture by the main players — from raised eyebrows to lowered expectations — is analysed and discussed threadbare with the help of talking heads who are meant to add clarity and comprehension,but instead give us chaos and cacophony.

Economic analysts: The state of the Indian economy has given employment to a host of analysts,opinion writers,TV panelists,columnists,experts and anyone who lived near the Delhi School of Economics. They have together given us the following options. A: We are neck deep in manure; B: India has survived better than most countries; C: Green shoots have been spotted; D: The Raghuram Rajan Effect will take us to financial paradise; E: We are on the edge of the fiscal cliff and the manure can only go higher. Take your pick.

Onion sellers: With the way prices are headed,everybody’s goose is getting cooked while onion sellers peel large slices out of household budgets. And now we have conspiracy theories being stirred up with the Congress accusing the BJP of buying and hoarding onions to discredit its governments. One doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

AAP: The new broom that has been introduced to clean up the garbage in Indian politics. Better known as Aam Aadmi Party,or AAP (quite clever come to think of it),it has,thanks to psephologists,political analysts,economic analysts and onion sellers,become the joker in the pack and may wind up laughing all the way to the vote bank.

Who’s down?

Rahul’s speechwriters: Have come up with some gems deserving of the Booker Prize for fiction,with a combination of emotionally charged family drama,tragedy,hatred,communal division,conspiracies and conflict,as well as intelligence agents and enemy plots. Congress supporters must be hoping they don’t lose the plot,and thereby the election.

Niira Radia’s call list: Any of the prominent personalities who chatted with her not knowing the conversation was being recorded now face a dilemma. Not being on her call list implies you were not important enough. Being on it means you could be implicated. It’s a “heads you win,tails I lose situation”.

IB officers: Now on the endangered list after Rahul publicly declared that one of their sleuths had briefed him on Pakistan and the ISI,which,intelligently speaking,is a constitutional breach. Again,possibly attributable to aforementioned fiction writers.

The ASI: Gold may be hitting the roof,but below the ground? Only a government agency could go digging for precious metal based on a seer’s dream and make India the subject of late night comedy shows. Even genuine gold diggers have gone underground.