Opinion Read your ‘Merry Christmas’ emails carefully. They may have hidden messages
Emails labelled 'Season’s Greetings' are a perfect example of missives that may appear wholesome but can often be meant to deliver a (metaphorical) slap
Hopefully, they will be a valuable aid as you sift through your holiday mail this year-end. (AP Photo) 
“Some battles are won with swords and spears,” Tywin Lannister once remarked, “others with quills and ravens.” The Lord of Casterly Rock managed to dodge a career in corporate, but you get the feeling he would’ve been a whizz at office politics.
The battleground in a modern workplace is virtual. Shots are fired not in corridors or cubicles, but via the messages that arrive in one’s inbox. In these bloodless but ruthless duels, white-collar gladiators wield the email as a weapon, and those who are most adept emerge victorious. Microsoft Outlook may be a software, but it can be used to deliver hard blows – a fact this writer can confirm. There have been many occasions, for example, when he has been found weeping at his workdesk, only to later assure his colleagues that the tears were triggered by the glare of his laptop screen and not by what he’d read on it, no, not at all.
In these fraught times, all employees must train to improve their text-based sniping abilities. But as Nietzsche had counselled — perhaps after falling from a height — before you learn to fly, you must learn to walk. This advice rings true for corporate communication as well. Knowing how to craft sharp, sawtoothed emails is essential, of course, but you must first master the art of decoding subtle swipes. This is a critical skill because professional etiquette discourages plain speaking. If you dislike a deskmate who has a habit of blowing his nose with the zeal of a trumpeter at a jazz bar, you cannot call him “disgusting.” That sort of direct attack is frowned upon by HR. Instead, you should give him a postcard, featuring the inscription: “Your friends miss you” and a photograph of trumpeting elephants.
This subterfuge in business-speak means you must be alert to the hidden signals, the insults lurking under the surface, whenever you receive a memo. Sometimes, the insults may not even be intentional, but being able to read between the lines gives you a peek into the psyche of the sender. You can discern what they truly think of you, and whether they are your friend or foe. While this test should be applied to all correspondence, it is of particular relevance to the ones that claim to offer good wishes. Emails labelled “Season’s Greetings” are a perfect example of missives that may appear wholesome but can often be meant to deliver a (metaphorical) slap. In order to respond, you must first spot the abuse. The following tips should help you develop this talent.
Opening: There are two things you must watch out for in the salutation. First, its humiliating absence. When you get an email that is missing a personalised greeting — the “Dear X,” or a “Hello Y” — it is a clear sign you mean nothing to the sender. They may not be actively wishing death upon you, but when news of your demise reaches them, they will likely respond: “Who?” They have pegged you as a BCC-level person, someone who is not worthy of their attention. Remember this slight if you draw their name in the Secret Santa next year.
The second type of email opening to be wary of is the one that goes: [Hi] [First Name] [!]. It looks quite friendly, you may think, and full of good cheer. Not so. It is a trap the writer has set for you. Note the use of the exclamation mark. No reasonable person ever uses exclamation marks in an official email; it is a dead giveaway. The sender wants to appear convivial and pally. But their real agenda is to win your confidence and then destroy you. Should you choose to play along in this game, make sure to strike first.
Contents: When you receive an email with nothing more than a solitary sentence wishing you “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” in Times New Roman font, size 11, know that you have made an enemy for life. At some point in the past, you wronged this person — and while you may have forgotten all about it, they remember. They are still nursing those wounds, and the poison in their hearts has spilt onto the screen as the terse, black text. They will have their vengeance, no matter how many years it takes. Never leave your food unattended around them in the office cafeteria.
In rare instances, you may get a message that is multi-coloured, with far too many words in bold or italics and an alarming number of emoticons. Such emails have no personal implication for you. They only evidence the imminent departure of a colleague, someone who is celebrating the release of corporate shackles by violating every law of formatting. Drag and drop the file into your recycle bin, and in case the sender has a corner office, waste no time in laying claim to it.
Closing: Always be on your guard when you see an email ending with “Kind regards.” Much like the exclamation mark in the opening, a “kind” sign-off should set your alarm bells ringing. A simple “regards” is adequate — when a “kind” is tagged onto it, its sole purpose is to taunt. Its presence proves the sender harbours nothing but unkind feelings towards you. Devious folks use this ploy. Avoid engaging with them until your combat training is complete.
Let us end with a look at emails that close with “Cheers.” This is a tricky one. It is difficult to predict whether the sender is harmless or malevolent. What we can be certain of is that they are almost definitely an alcoholic. You can learn about their motives if you take them out for a drink. If all goes well, you stand to gain an ally; though if things go wrong, you may need to defend yourself as they try to stab you with a broken bottle. Such is corporate life, after all. There are no rewards without some risks.
No doubt, you’ve found these insights illuminating. Hopefully, they will be a valuable aid as you sift through your holiday mail this year-end. And who knows, come next year, maybe you’ll be sending a few knife-edged emails of your own.
The writer is a Mumbai-based lawyer
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