Opinion P B Mehta writes: An imaginary conversation between Donald and Narendra

Donald: We are both great countries, with leaders such as our countries have never seen before. But I envy you. I saw all the Indian newspapers. They have put out so many BIG ads wishing you. What a party you must be having. My media – that New York Times, ABC News — they hate me.

Narendra: But you sue them!

Donald: But at least I get them to pay me money. 15 million off ABC. Not bad.

Narendra: I just get them to work for me. Anyway, you know I should not be talking to you.

Donald: Why?

Narendra: You have got to lift that punitive tariff. I should have insisted on it before we let your trade negotiator back in. We don’t negotiate with a gun pointed at our heads. You cannot unfairly punish India. I know we are friends and all that. But India comes first, above personal deals, above friendship, especially above sportsmanship. I am giving you another chance because our countries go back a long way.

Donald: You know you did not quite give me the credit for stopping a nuclear war. But I am going to give you a birthday gift. I am going to thank you for your help in trying to stop the Russia-Ukraine war.

Narendra: India eternally deserves the Nobel Prize. We have always said, war is not the way.

Donald: If I had been around, there would have been no war. Because of Crooked Joe, I was saddled with both Hamas and Ukraine.

Narendra: So, what are we going to do?

Donald: You put pressure on Putin.

Narendra: You think the international community might want more pressure on Netanyahu as well?

Donald: Well, both are my friends. Actually, the funny thing is, both are our best friends. Our friends do no wrong. It’s Zelenskyy and Biden’s war, not Putin’s. And Israel has done no wrong.

Narendra: You are forcing India to exercise leverage over Russia. Not forcing China or Europe?

Donald: I’d like to be friends with Xi, too. Then maybe I could force him too. Anyway, how was Tianjin? Heard they do great buildings over there.

Narendra: Not quite going over to the dark side, if that’s what you mean (laughs). Just keeping the neighbour happy. But, I’ll tell you the real dark side: TikTok. Now that we got rid of it, we are fine.

Donald: The people who use TikTok have always supported me. You, my friend, have got everyone supporting you.

Narendra: Not so easy. You know the Opposition is accusing me of stealing votes.

Donald: Oh, Democrats were stealing elections all the time. But it is ridiculous to accuse you of stealing votes. I have seen the crowds you draw. Must be that same left-wing gang. I have that problem too. Professional hate mongers, spewing hate against patriotic people like us trying to make our countries great. You got to get tough with them is all I can say.

Narendra: Don’t worry, Donald. These were the people who brought in infiltrators to change the demography of the country. I am weeding the infiltrators out. We have a great word: Ghuspaithiya, one who comes in without permission.

Donald: Cool word. We should share notes on this. I learnt a few tricks from you. By the way, I am one up on you on one thing. You only control universities. I now control and get them to pay up.

Narendra: We must. Our political challenges are so alike. Our opponents will stoop to any level.

Donald: Yes, they will. They did not spare poor Charlie.

Narendra: Both of us are victims of so much hate. Why do they hate people like us? All we want is for everyone to unite around peace and greatness. Anyway, deepest condolences. But coming back to tariffs, don’t get addicted to them. We may be a poorer country, but we still manage our budgets. And next time you come — you are coming for Quad, aren’t you? — we will serve you some great “makai nu shaak” from my home state, Gujarat. You will understand why we won’t buy American corn…And you really should not have called India a dead economy

Donald: I don’t like corn. By the way, that economy thing was a joke. Who knows whether an economy is dead or alive. So many fake numbers around. We are fixing that. But you got a great stock market going. Congratulations.

Narendra: Thank you.

Donald: I know it’s your birthday, so now is not the time. But you have got to give me something. Xi won’t. Lula won’t. Europeans will give you everything so easily that it does not even count as giving. The Arab world really believes in family values, it has helped family investments a lot. Look at Pakistan. Generous people opened up their crypto market. I know you have an aversion to gambling, so I won’t bet India to buy bitcoins. Anyway, the point is, if I get a win with India, it is a win for both of us. And we personally share so much. Give me something,

Narendra: The goodwill of one-and-a-half billion people, and the steadfast values of our civilisation, will be with you, Donald. Our democracy and demography.

Donald: Yeah, but America does not make as much money from that. About the demography bit, some of our people don’t like having so many of your people. I am not saying that’s me. But you know how it is. And what’s your leverage?

Narendra: Since you asked, a billion warriors on X. And a will for self-reliance.

Donald:  Oh, that’s one big company. I get that. But billion X warriors — and not a dime for me? Anyway, have a GREAT birthday, Narendra. Don’t forget the tariffs.

NOTE: Resemblance to any actual figure is purely coincidental.

The writer is contributing editor, The Indian Express