‘Aap jo bhi karein…’: Tamannaah Bhatia on how shame and guilt are used as tools of control; ways to recognise the signs

Shame and guilt are powerful emotions. They can prompt people to reflect and change, but when used as manipulation tactics, they leave behind feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and silence. We decided to speak to an expert to help us understand how to recognise these patterns and respond to them in healthier ways.

Healthy accountability (where guilt may help us grow) vs. manipulation (where guilt or shame is used as a tool for control)

Neha Parashar, clinical psychologist, Mindtalk, tells indianexpress.com, “Healthy accountability always comes from a place of respect and growth. When someone points out our mistake with the intent of helping us reflect, improve, or repair a situation, the guilt that arises can be constructive. It is usually specific to an action, is time-bound, and comes with a sense of clarity about what can be done better next time.” 

Manipulation through guilt or shame feels very different. Instead of focusing on behaviour, it targets the person’s identity or self-worth. It is vague, persistent, and often leaves an individual feeling powerless rather than motivated to grow. The key difference is that accountability empowers, while manipulation diminishes.

Common signs that indicate a person is trying to use shame or guilt to control us

When guilt or shame is used as a tool of control, a recurring pattern often emerges where the individual makes you feel indebted, unworthy, or constantly at fault, regardless of the circumstances. Parashar states, “Their statements may exaggerate your responsibility, play down your needs, or suggest that you are selfish for prioritising yourself. You may notice that even after apologising or trying to make amends, the feeling of being guilty never truly resolves because the purpose is not repair but control.” 

A useful sign is when you feel a lingering heaviness or confusion after interactions, as though you are always walking on eggshells, which shows the dynamic is not rooted in fairness or care, says Parashar.

Protecting mental and emotional well-being 

Parashar suggests, “The first step is to recognise that these feelings are not always a reflection of truth but can be induced by someone else’s need for power. Building self-awareness helps a person pause and ask whether the guilt is constructive or imposed. Setting boundaries becomes essential, which means clearly communicating what behavior you will not accept and limiting the emotional space you give to those who thrive on shaming tactics.” 

Seeking support from trusted friends, mentors, or a therapist can also help rebuild self-confidence and distinguish between valid accountability and manipulation. “Over time, strengthening one’s sense of self-worth and practicing self-compassion acts as a shield, ensuring that external attempts to induce shame or guilt do not penetrate deeply enough to cause long-term harm,” concludes Parashar.