The Great Impersonation

So what does it take to be a filmy spy? First,non-negotiable commandment: You have to be handsome. Ever seen a lousy-looking secret agent ? The very first Bond played by Sean Connery may not have been a chikna like the latter-day 007s (those thinking of Pierce Brosnan right now,raise your hand). But man,did he give rugged a good name. And craggy. For generations of movie-goers,Sean equated Spy. And not just any old jasoos,but the asli 24 carat one who had the Licence to Kill whenever he wants,wherever he wants. He also has the Licence to Thrill. And that could mean anything,from demanding a drink be shaken not stirred,to laying it on a nubile young thing. Given the high hunkiness quotient of the Bond looking at her from the shore,emerging-goddess-from-the sea Ursula could only have undressed,no?

Mobile Pelvis. This one pertains much more to the spies in Bollywood,just in case you thought I was being partial to Hollywood. The original Agent Vinod (AV),also known as Mahendra Sandhu,worked the macho chest-hair-visible angle a treat,except he was also made to romp with a bunch of frumpy extras before getting down to work. But the one who really killed it was Mithun Chakraborty’s Gopi,aka Gunmaster G9. This truly inspired name gave the scriptwriter the chance to think of alliteration involving ‘Gopi,Gulab,Gadha,and Gunmaster Geeeeeeeeee Niiiiiiiiine’. Immortal lines lifted by the one and only Bappi. If you are a Bollywood spy,crooning has to be part of your skill set. Mithun’s signature song was Mausam hai gaane ka. Saif’s,in the new AV,is Pyaar ki pungi bajaane ka.

Code Words. What’s the point if secret agents talk like you and me? Out of the corner of a mouth,comes this: “main usko kaise pehchanoonga?” (how will I recognise her?) The answer,equally cryptic: “peeli shirt,kaali bell bottom.” Cut to a girl at the railway station in the very same attire,who,of course,turns out to be the bad girl. She’s just one of the nicer parts of the original Agent Vinod,which provided me non-stop mirth when I re-visited it this week. I’d forgotten quite how much of a hoot it was,this Rajshri film which resolutely upholds its family values by getting the spy and a hot girl to spend a night in a car,only garma garam coffee ke sahaare.

Molls. Can come in all shapes,sized,colours. One of the early trailers of a Bond film put it thus: ravishing redheads,blondes,brunettes. Graded on their ability to fill out a swimsuit most pneumatically. They also usually have dubious accents and call Bond “Gems”. Bollywood doesn’t usually bother with speaking parts for the bad girls; their job is lasciviousness. Mithun’s breakout spy role in Surakksha has the curvy moll wearing a white satin teddy and going down on Gunmaster G 9 as he lies in bed,his hands tied up. ‘Iss injection ke baad,tum mere ishaaron par naachoge’,she says,shimmying.

Guns and gadgets. Bandooks that fire backwards. Lipsticks that release sleeping gas. Cars that can run on water (the wheels change into fins,silly: this is only for those who may not have witnessed such sights before,seeing as they belong to the era when gadgets were taken very seriously indeed,as was their detailed exposition,preferably by coots who were happy to be called Q).

Cracking wise. You are no spy if you can’t be laconic,and sardonic. “I’m Plenty”,says a very bosomy babe to the suave Sean,who casts a deadpan look down,and says,“well,of course,you are.” You could also be unintentionally hilarious like Joy Mukherji (who passed away a short while ago) in Humsaya,in which he is entrusted with rescuing the country from an evil Chinese plot. The film has one of my favourite doomsday declarations,with a character intoning: “Kal subah sabotage hone wala hai!” And the whole country goes into a tizzy.

Instant Viagra. And everything has to be too sexy by half. Working on a tan in the Bahamas,like Gems Bond. Or coming in from the cold,grimly,like Le Carre’s George Smiley. He hardly ever smiles,Smiley,but you look at Gary Oldman playing him in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,and know that he has a great capacity for passion. Or,searching for an identity,like Last Name Bourne,as played by the brooding Matt Damon,in the Bourne series,in some of the best looking cities in the world.

Get. Set. Go

shubhra.gupta @expressindia.com