Silly Points

Going,going,gone!
A Dean Jones special. Every single time a six was hit while the former Aussie bat was in the studio,he reached into his mind,and creatively popped out the very same line. Without fail. Going,pause,going,another stretched pause,and gone. Even the exclamation mark is audible. It made one wonder whether Jones exclaimed it in his mind every time he dished out a maximum during his playing days. He probably did. No other phrase has been used only by one man and become a cliché. Jones lost his credentials as a commentator soon after calling Hashim Amla a terrorist on air. This time,Jones going,going,went.

This is just what the doctor ordered.
It comes with a prescription note and an expiry date. Many,many doctors have since ordered an end to the aural torture,but the advice has always fallen on the soundproof walls of the commentary box. According to L Sivaramakrishnan,more doctors have issued orders on air than they have in their personal clinics. Many viewers wish the doctor could order them deaf.

When he hits it,it stays hit.
This one is a global disease. From stalwart Tony Cozier,to the Aussie newcomer Michael Slater,to veteran Mark Nicholas,stating the obvious has never been so much fun. While it is mainly used for a six that plants itself somewhere in the top tier of the stands,the jargon has now become common practice for carpet-

ridden fours,or even a whack straight to a fielder. Possible corollaries in the near future? When he fields it,it remains fielded, or When he releases the ball,the ball is released.

Like a tracer bullet.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No,its Ravi Shastris lightning quick vocal chords belting out his favourite commentary phrase. To be fair to Shastri,he isnt alone on this one. He may have set the ball rolling,make that tracing,but some of his contemporaries have taken it to another level. The arsenal released from the magazine of a gun analogy is now owned equally by every former Indian player to have spoken into a microphone. All it takes is a heavy bat,and out comes the slogan. Even Usain Bolt hasnt been told he8217;s quick as often.

Catches win matches.
Lets analyse everyones favourite cricketing quote. This rhyme-a-dozen is even used by the godfather of modern commentary,the slurring Richie Benaud. This implies that no great innings with the bat,or no scintillating performance with the ball has led to a victory,ever. The only factor that does is when a fielder wraps his fingers around the leather ball. Go home batsmen and bowlers,your performances dont count for peanuts. Cricket is now a fielders game.

They need to change ones into twos.
Arithmetic progression states that two is greater than one. In cricket,the values are interchanged equally. This is the ultimate filler for a tongue-tied commentator. Just ask Ramiz Raja. When a commentator has nothing else to say,its time to ask the batsman to start running better. If wishful thinking is the call of that cursed hour,then shouldn8217;t the commentator be praying for boundaries,rather than doubles? Four is greater than two.

Commentators curse.
The dreaded commentators curse. For those who arent in the know,a commentator feels he has cursed the situation by speaking too early. Usually happens when a player is praised before being dismissed. Aamir Sohail is besotted with this one. Makes a commentator feel empowered and special almost as if he changed the course of the game with his forked tongue.

Cricket is a funny game.
Least abused,but father of all commentary cliches. When strategies go wrong,situations change,baffling conclusions are reached on the field,and the commentator cant read the situation for the life of him,the humorous nature of the sport is alluded to by mic-holders around the world usually a current player on the air-waves for fun. The other variation is the game of glorious uncertainties. Its hard to take someone seriously after this one.

Commentary is a funny business.

The last thing they need is a run out.
Bowled,hit wicket,caught,leg before wicket,stumped and handling the ball all other modes of dismissal is fine. The run-out though is just plain wrong. No two ways about that. Proclaimed often by the great Bill Lawry.

It aint over till the last ball is bowled.
Really? How would we have ever guessed. A brainteaser,this one. Even if the match gets over in the 23rd over,a ball was bowled. It was the last. When he isnt screaming,this is Tony Greigs pet line. Makes us wish for the subtle change,which goes like,It aint over till the fat lady sings.