Not in my loo

On my return flight when I checked the male-female ratio,I made like a camel and held my water. Because,men as a general rule prefer to micturate everywhere but where God intended. And spraying on the seat,it seems,is their birthright. When I brought this up with my girlfriends,the response I got was incredibly violent. It ranged from the death sentence to dreams of separation. Another friend who is a conservative spender in every way,told me she only went on holiday if her husband booked a suite. It was a vacation for her if the loos were separate.

Since I am a big fan of the male of the species,I decided to find extenuating circumstances for this complete failure of etiquette. For a start,it is a fact that men see differently from women. They dont notice dirt,they dont notice clutter and,even if they spot a dust bunny the size of Africa,they dont see the need to displace it.

I remember asking a cousin to remove a giant Iguana-type creature from my study and he refused. His logic: Since I had an entire bedroom to myself why couldnt the lizard have a room to himself? He was serious. What was more frightening was the fact that his motivation,or lack of,had nothing to do with laziness. Men are just wired differently from women. In fact,I am convinced their conductors are designed to blow a womans fuse. I will never forget the outrage on my friends face when he felt under appreciated for services rendered. He had offered to fix the leak in my apartment when he was flat sitting. I came back to find a bucket in the centre of my room.

Physiologically,too,men also have a severe handicap. Since approximately one out of 20 are colour blind as opposed to women and an incidence of one out of 200,I am certain it also has repercussions on other sight-related issues. For example,I am sure it impairs their ability to see a shiny,white toilet seat. Or piss on the floor since it is often not a bright yellow and can be clearly translucent.

Since women are superior,it got me thinking about why we are unable to overlook this unfortunate male failing. The reason is quite simple. Wherever we go,we are confronted with dirty bathrooms. Offices,airports,malls,all public conveniences are worse than a pig sty. So the time at home acquires a religious sanctity of sorts. It is the one place generally at the start and finish of the day that we can sit back in comfort. For the rest,it is all about thigh-toning exercises and knee-wobbling squats. By the time our workout is over,our tolerance has run dry.

Which means the midnight skid on a pool of urine comes under justifiable homicide in our not so civil code. The funny thing is men are equally intolerable of such slip ups. They will be the first to step out of a public loo and crib about the filth,smell and general stomach-churning quality of the place. Ask a guy to share a bathroom with another man and he shrieks in horror. They would much rather share the loo with woman. Now,if that isnt a vote for our better manners and superior conduct,then what is?

In the interest of the longevity of my partners life,I finally took a hard line. All my logical solutions had failed from an expensive self-lowering toilet seat that self- destructed to bath mats that refused to keep the floor dry. It was time for rift. It was time for separate bathrooms. He was banished to the other loo,forever.

However,before long I got a complaint from the other creature he was sharing the bathroom with. My little dog. But then she is also a girl! We are currently in the market for a one bedroom-three-bathroom apartment.

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