How to Raise Your Child

Or the battle of the nidiculous and the nidifugous

Babies of all kinds come in two main models: nidiculous or nidifugous. The first kind,which includes ourselves,other mostly large mammals,and birds,needs pampering,TLC and a 24X7 a la carte service run by the parents for a hell of a long time. Such babies are helpless and pretty hopeless,often ugly and hairless; in fact when I Googled nidiculous young I got a million entries for ridiculous young. Which pretty much says it all. The parents of such baby birds,for example,have to fly a million sorties a day with oozy caterpillars in their beaks to fill the bottomless pits that are their chicks. Lion and tiger cubs stay with their parents for years,as do the young of chimps. As for us,well,well come to that soon.

Some birds,many reptiles and nearly all the insects tackle parenting very differently. They sing,dance,seduce,mate,lay their eggs and let their babies take care of themselves. Several are even worse: Some spider mummies,after eating up spider daddies,will zealously guard their nests and when the babies arrive start on them. Some of the little ones literally have to parachute out of their homes to get away alive. Little wonder then that they are nidifugous,leaving the nest soon after birth.

But for many species there is a point to this DIY parenting. If youve just laid 1,045 eggs,or even just 45,and are expected to spoon-feed every brat that screams its head off,50 times a day youre heading for a heart attack. So these babies are little know-it-alls from the moment they hatch. Ducklings hatched (several duckies may lay in one nest) in the bole of a tree will blithely leap out with fluttering wings and plonk down on the pond just beneath and start swimming and gobbling insects with great élan. Mama duck or goose is not a completely negligent parent; if the shadow of a raptor passes overhead,all the little ones will cluster under her for protection. Some larger species of mammals,such as the deer,too spawn youngs who are born pretty nifty on their feet. Theyll stagger around for 15 minutes,get the hang of coordinating four legs and then be bounding about everywhere as though the world was their trampoline. They know theres nothing better on a lions menu than a tender fawn from the moment they are born.

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Well what about us? Nidiculous,you will say. Well,ridiculous certainly: we cant drive or give a friend TLC till were 18,or buy a beer until were 25. But some societies are more nidiculous than others,and some are making determined bids to become nidifugous. In some countries of the advanced,developed world for instance,babies are expected to choose their colour-coordinated diapers and bibs and have a say in the maintenance of their hedge-fund portfolios by the time they are six months old. The parental mantra there is: theyve got to be independent,which can also translate to get them out of my hair asap,so I can have a ball. Of course,what little conscience remains will occasionally prick,so every conversation is riddled with interjections of I love you,just in case the kid turns around on its fourth birthday and screams,Who are you? Get out of here you old bat,its my life!

In societies such as ours,its the reverse. Paunchy men of 50 still expect to have their feeds lovingly prepared by their mamas or wives,before going off to work every morning. Here,nidiculous is truly ridiculous. But there is hope. Indian girls are now determinedly trying to become nidifugous they want to drive space shuttles,climb Everest blindfolded and backwards,become CEOs and prime ministers,by the time theyre 14. This makes many less-equipped Lotharios and toothless bigots in culottes,foam at the mouth and reach for the acid. But they should be wary and the girls can take heart.

Remember Indira Gandhi,Margaret Thatcher,Golda Meir,the Rani of Jhansi,and Joan of Arc? And,most of all Madame Defarge?

Ranjit Lal is an author,environmentalist and bird watcher. In this column,he reflects on the eccentricities and absurdities of nature