Today, you can fry an egg on Delhi's asphalt. The landscape in this city of a million intrigues suddenly resembles a Salvador Dali canvas, right down to mercurial moments slowly ticking away on a melted clock.In times like these, we need meteorologists, not those unmitigated bores who call themselves ``political experts'', to throw some light on our collective future. And meteorologists have already made their prediction: heat wave conditions to persist and possibly intensify over the Indian sub-continent, they say.Since we can do nothing about either the weather, or the Indian politician, my advice to you is to stay indoors, pour yourself a tall, cool drink and indulge yourself in your favourite mid-summer fantasy.As for me, I've been fantasising over the prospect of Jayalalitha presiding over the destiny of this nation as its Prime Minister. Think of the possibilities, if this was to happen. Think of the colour, spectacle and excitement such a development would bring to our jadedlives. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, she'd arrive in a peacock chariot for her swearing-in just as she did in the early '80s, when her benevolent mentor, MGR, introduced her to his political constituency. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, she would appoint Subramanian Swamy as the Chief Justice, to vigorously pursue the various cases against her in the various courts of law. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, her ``sister'' Sasikala would be appointed Union minister of Home, in charge of locking up the Prime Minister's home and overseeing her affairs. Sasikala will have to bear the onerous responsibility of supervising the prime ministerial saris and shoes, besides being in exclusive charge of the suitcases. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, she would within her first week in office deploy the recently tested intermediate-range ballistic missile, the Agni II, with its payload of a thousand kg. It would be directed not towards Islamabad or Beijing, butChennai - or, to be more precise, towards the Gopalpuram residence of the Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, M. Karunanidhi would soon be getting intensive lessons in zoology from within the innards of Madras Central Jail with bandicoots, cockroaches and other vermin for company. Like Jayalalitha before him, he will have to subsist on stale idlis for dinner even as the River Cooum with all its sewer flows gently by. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, JJ Television will replace Doordarshan as the official media and the nation will, as a special treat, get to watch regular reruns of Simi Garewal's Rendezvous - especially the part where the Puratchi Thalaivi bares her soul and tells the world that ``they wanted to break my spirit but they didn't succeed.'' If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, photographs of Puratchi Thalaivar MGR and Puratchi Thalaivi Jayalalitha, will adorn every government office in the country, right down to thehumble police chowki, replacing the more familiar ones of Gandhi, Nehru and Ambedkar. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, Republic Day parades will have various tableaux bearing gigantic cut-outs of the Prime Minister. They will majestically roll down Raj Path, which in turn will be decorated with gigantic cut-outs of the Prime Minister, while crowds wave flags bearing the image of the Prime Minister. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, the ceremonies of the Reveille and Retreat, which are at present being conducted at the Wagah border, will be shifted to 36, Poes Garden. When the bugles blow and the stirring notes of the National Anthem fill the air, the high gates of her residence will be opened and shut with great ceremony, as curious citizens are provided with a tantalising glimpse of the building. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, on birthdays and special days, we will all learn how to roll on the pavements outside her residence, without breaking our necks and treadon glowing coal embers without burning our feet, as a gesture of the great esteem we hold Our Leader in. If Jayalalitha was the Prime Minister, schoolchildren will be able to reel out the names of the films she acted in and will know by heart the time, month and year when she was physically assaulted on the floor of the Tamil Nadu assembly, which date would be deemed to mark the beginning of the nation's Second Freedom Struggle.All this may seem pure fabrication, the idle creation of a brain touched by the heat. That may well be the case but, remember, Indian politics as we know it is the art of the impossible.
