Sitting ducks and cold Turkey

Finally it had to happen.I had become the NDA8217;s latest Mamata interlocutor. When the Cabinet secretary requested me to sort out the Mam...

Finally it had to happen.

I had become the NDA8217;s latest Mamata interlocutor. When the Cabinet secretary requested me to sort out the Mamata 8216;thing8217;. I was wondering whether describing Mamata as a 8216;thing8217; was an apt way to describe her. The only 8216;thing8217; I knew about her was that I was to address as her didi whenever she lost her cool. I was not to do a double somersault when I was addressed as dada.

She was cold as expected. 8216;8216;Didi,8217;8217; I started. She cooled down somewhat. 8216;8216;It has been fifteen days since I was made the minister but what am I to do?8217;8217; she asked. This was easy. 8216;8216;Go about your work,8217;8217; I replied. 8216;8216;Call for files, dispose off files, send reminders, threaten your secretaries, go on foreign junkets, put your foot in the mouth in Parliament, basically do anything a bungling NDA minister does.8217;8217;

8216;8216;Dada,8217;8217; she asked, 8216;8216;Immediately after I took oath, I told my secretary, lets go to office 8212; he said, which office? When I asked for the secretary in my department, I am asked what secretary? I have no office, no secretary. My office car only does a round of Parliament house, I have no files.8217;8217;

Now I realised why I was looking like a star in Mission Impossible-III. Mamata was a minister without a portfolio! 8216;8216;Not to worry,8217;8217; I reasoned, changing tack, 8216;8216;You are in the same league as Lal Bahadur Shastri, Gopalaswamy Ayengar 8212; who were given special assignments and trusted confidants of Nehru.8217;8217;

8216;8216;Forget Nehru, I want to be close to Vajpayee but the PM says he will give me a portfolio in good time,8217;8217; she moaned. 8216;8216;What am I to do? What about my voters in West Bengal? They are saying didi has been stabbed in the back again by the Delhi dadas.8217;8217;

8216;8216;The PM had to rush off to Turkey,8217;8217; I pleaded, 8216;8216;I am sure it will get sorted out once he gets back.8217;8217;

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8216;8216;When I want to discuss with Vajpayee he goes of to Turkey 8212; Am I such a bad person that none of my allies or the PM want to talk to me?8217;8217; she thundered.

8216;8216;Far from it,8217;8217; I replied at my charming best. 8216;8216;Didi, people worship the earth you walk on.8217;8217;

I went back to the Cabinet secretary and reported that Mamata is about to burst and my raising her to the status of Gopalaswamy Ayengar and Shastri did not cut much ice. 8216;8216;Assuming,8217;8217; I argued, 8216;8216;the Prime minister does not have time or a ministerial berth for Mamata, how do you intend to keep her busy?8217;8217;

8216;8216;It does worry us,8217;8217; said the cabinet secretary. 8216;8216;Any ideas?8217;8217;

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8216;8216;Why don8217;t you institutionalise this position? The minister without portfolio could be the perfect 8216;8216;cooling off8217;8217; before the minister gets another charge,8217;8217; I began.

8216;8216;How do you measure her performance?8217;8217;

8216;8216;Simple,8217;8217; I opined. 8216;8216;We could see how much effort she had put in, in the past one month to get a good ministerial berth. She could also be given charge of any ministry when the minister is on foreign tour.8217;8217;

8216;8216;That8217;s one way to cut down all foreign tours of ministers.8217;8217;

8216;8216;She could have also a secretary who is 8216;cooling off8217; and waiting for another positing,8217;8217; I concluded.

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Suddenly the Cabinet secretary was all alert. 8216;8216;Raju,8217;8217; he said conspiratorially, 8216;8216;Can you take a few weeks off from your rubbish column and give us some more ideas?8217;8217;

He was soon on the hotline to Turkey.