Pentagon’s ‘Hit Hussein, Lambast Laden Plan’

It is night outside a mansion in Tikrit. The silence is broken by the sounds of an US Apache attack helicopter, which lets down a rope ladder. Clambering down it is the familiar lantern-jawed hulk of metal, the Terminator. The moment he touches the ground, his eyes start scanning the building. Very soon, his computer-enhanced vision X-rays its way through walls and discerns the shadowy figure of Saddam Hussein seated in a secret underground chamber, smoking a cigar. The Terminator strides expressionless towards the front door with his laser gun at the ready. He tries the door. It’s locked, barred, bolted. He kicks it open. The sound of the falling door alerts Saddam, who reaches for his automatic rifle and finds himself a corner from where he can spy on the cyborg without being seen. Saddam fires a round at the hulk, blasting away a patch of his scalp to reveal the chrome underneath.

There’s no change of expression on the Terminator’s face. He just rips off the main electrical panel in the building and the mansion is plunged into darkness. He pulls loose the hose-like 440-watt volt incoming line and feeds it directly into the lighting circuit. Fluorescent sparks and shattered glass fly in the air. Saddam tries another round of AR-180 fire, but he fires blindly not knowing where the cyborg is situated. The Terminator moves, relentlessly, inexorably, towards Saddam. Only he can see in the smoking darkness. Saddam — guided now only by sounds — attempts to fire another round in the Terminator’s direction. The cyborg closes in with laser gun in one hand and the live line in the other. Quick as a flash, he electrocutes the Enemy and the world is rid of another Bad Guy.

PHASE II

The helicopter picks up the cyborg and flies directly towards the rugged mountainscape of eastern Afghanistan, where Quarry Number II is located. Osama bin Laden is taking a leisurely walk like somebody’s favourite grandpa, walking stick and all. The sound of the helicopter, however, alerts him to the presence of his prospective guests. Demonstrating a nimbleness unusual in a man with a serious kidney ailment, Osama drops his walking stick and melts into his environs. The Terminator parachutes down, bearing in his hand the familiar laser gun. The flap of skin from his face, where Saddam got him, hangs loose lending a menacing touch to his visage. His eyes track the stony reaches before him and he quickly discerns the figure of Osama crouching in a huge cave, behind an enormous boulder.

The Terminator strides purposefully towards him. But even as he does so, he neglects to register a movement behind him as Osama’s comrade-in-arms, Ayman al-Zawahri, manages to roll a boulder over a cliff at him. It comes crashing down, gouging out a whole section of the cyborg’s chest to reveal the drive cables beneath. But the Terminator seems unfazed, as he continues to move forward. Osama meanwhile rushes into a secret tunnel. The Terminator follows him, smashing his way through the stone like a heatseeking missile. Scanning the darkness of the tunnel, he pulls out his laser gun and takes aim. Just one 200-watt charge and Osama is reduced to cinders. Outside the helicopter pilot flashes a ‘V’ for Victory sign at the Terminator and throws him down the rope ladder. The helicopter then turns around and heads towards the sunset. Mission Accomplished. Once again, the US of A holds sway.

If only life were a Hollywood film script! Unfortunately for Old Donny, it’s a little more complicated than he would care to acknowledge.