Never Say Never

While parents may still not entirely favour splits, they no longer seem to be banning one with horror. They are gradually accepting divorce as just another not-so happy event. 8216;8216;Divorce in India has increased by nearly 500 per cent over the past 15 years,8217;8217; says Delhi-based lawyer Arvind Jain.

8220;My mother and sisters stood by me like a rock,8221; says Mumbai8217;s June D8217;Cruz, 40, who dabbled in modelling after she split. 8220;My mum even funded me as and when she could.8221;

Former space marketing executive Nisha Zutshi, 39, also got tremendous family support. 8220;After a divorce you need positive inputs to make you believe you can make it,8221; says Zutshi, who got exactly that from her sister and father. Six months later she had her own advertising agency up and running.

But this was not always so. Anju Khanna, a doctor by profession, remembers when she and her husband decided to divorce nearly 20 years ago. Her parents were not convinced at all. 8216;8216;My husband and I just didn8217;t get along. And I always felt as if I was doing too much work both at home and outside, but my parents didn8217;t think this called for a divorce.8217;8217; Khanna, now 50, remembers avoiding all family dos after she got divorced because she could see the nudge-nudge routine every time she attended one. 8216;8216;My relatives all thought I had been beaten up for me to have taken such a drastic step. That8217;s changed now. Today people don8217;t immediately associate divorce with physical cruelty. And of course, parents are more accepting too,8217;8217; she says.

But what has transformed the never-never advocates into parents who do not disdainfully brush aside incompatibility and a communication gap as good enough reasons for divorce?

8216;8216;Parents feel that chances of remarriage are more now, so they do not object to a divorce too vehemently. More women are economically independent and confident now so parents think it8217;s ok,8217;8217; says Promila Kapur, a sociologist-counsellor and director of the Delhi-based Integrated Human Development Services Foundation.

Jain says a large chunk of the divorces he8217;s seen occur around the age of 30 and 35. 8220; This is the time when women feel they are not utilising their capability in their career and neither are their husbands caring enough for them,8217;8217; says Jain. This, he adds, prompts many women these days to leave a marriage.

When Leena Bhawnani married she was all set to move to the US. Eight days into the marriage, she decided not to accompany her husband. 8216;8216;We were fighting with each other right from the first day. And every time we fought he would ask me to call up my parents and he would call his parents so that every one could discuss it. I found that silly and thought we should solve our own problems,8217;8217; she says. On the eighth day they had one more fight and her husband promptly called up her parents. 8216;8216;My parents came and while we were all talking and fighting, my father just sensed that there was something quite wrong. I mean my husband seemed to have some psychological problems. For instance, he could never sit or stand still.8217;8217;

And she thought it would be worse for her to deal with it alone in the US. 8216;8216;It was an arranged match and I had just known him for three weeks before marriage. I was not comfortable with the idea of going with someone who looked as if he had problems.8217;8217;

It was my father who said 8216;pack your stuff, you are coming with us. You can meet your husband later and sort things out8217;,8217;8217; remembers Bhawnani.

And when she and her husband decided to go for a divorce, her father was supportive. 8216;8216;My mother, of course, was more disturbed, but my parents agreed that it was for the best.8217;8217; It was her father who arranged for a lawyer and got the proceedings started.

Another reason parents are finding it easier to come to terms with their children8217;s break-ups is that they see more divorced couples now than before. Familiarity has bred a degree

of comfort.

8216;8216;My mother was quite unhappy but I think it helped that there are more divorced people these days,8217;8217; says Bhawnani.

Aruna Broota, a clinical psychologist at the Department of Psychology at Delhi University, feels that though the middle-class is still hung up on divorces, there certainly has been a shift. 8216;8216;The change I find is that parents are able to finally rationalise the divorce. In my counselling sessions we motivate couples to solve their problems but we also say there is no point in staying together if there is no togetherness. And parents are gradually agreeing.8217;8217;

When their 37-year-old son came from the US and announced that he was getting a divorce, the Sinhas were not shocked. 8216;8216;We knew that he and his wife were having problems. And in any case, we were informed more than consulted. When kids decide to marry they inform their parents and it8217;s the same case with divorce too, now,8217;8217; says Hari Sinha.

His son and wife, both computer programmers, drifted apart and found that they were too incompatible to carry on. 8216;8216;I guess relatives talk about this divorce occasionally but it8217;s not as if their families do not have any divorces among them,8217;8217; says Sinha. The shock value has decreased over the years. 8216;8216;And I guess they both will find someone else and marry again,8217;8217; adds Sinha.

Parents may be slowly accepting divorce, but clearly it8217;s not a case of once-bitten twice shy for them.

With inputs from Haima Deshpande in Mumbai