Departing courtesies

In India, the nitty-gritty of dealing with death can be almost as agonising as losing a loved one.

In India, the nitty-gritty of dealing with death can be almost as agonising as losing a loved one. Before you can take time out to mourn, there8217;s the cremation or burial to organise, a mammoth task by any standards. In case you8217;re a Hindu, the pandit will send you trotting off to buy items like ghee and firewood, after which comes the inevitable journey to Hardwar. Unlike in the West, where funeral services are available on hire, here family members have to get together and attend to all the depressing details.

Oscar Wilde famously quoted, 8220;I loathe funerals. I don8217;t plan to attend my own.8221; In Delhi, at least, it seems the chautha, or the fourth day of mourning, has upstaged the funeral in terms of importance. This is possibly because, given our hectic lives, fitting in an unscheduled visit to the crematorium has become difficult. The typical chautha, in contrast, requires friends and family to gather at an appointed hour in a temple or on a hired lawn, stay for an hour in silence or prayer, offer condolences to the family, and move on.

That, however, was what happened in the eighties. Now the chautha, like everything else, has undergone a remarkable change. If the death has unluckily occurred during Delhi8217;s infernal June heat, you can bet that even your closest relative will curse if you subject him to a lawn at 4 pm. Now five-star hotels offer their halls for prayer meetings. There are temples that have installed coolers and some even have ACs. Some chauthas have singers dressed solemnly in white, playing mournful tunes that befit the occasion.

Sadly, though, you8217;ll see most attendees scanning the messages on their mobiles as the solemnities go on. Some, shockingly, even receive calls. However, to be fair, at least they made the effort to show up. An hour out of a busy week is a difficult proposition and some pandits don8217;t help by exceeding the mandatory time limit of an hour, despite guests getting fidgety.

Old world etiquette suggests that you can skip a wedding but never a funeral. After all, that8217;s when the family needs all the support it can muster. It8217;s also a matter of prestige if a chautha is well-attended. According to Hindu scriptures, mourning should not be suppressed, joyously released. Then, it8217;s back to life.