A perfect hysteria

A Mumbai psychiatrist recently claimed that the average Indian thinks about the Bachchans at least once every day.

A Mumbai psychiatrist recently claimed that the average Indian thinks about the Bachchans at least once every day. That8217;s one billion people suffering from a collective cathexis, commonly known as a harmless adolescent crush. Except that now, with the 8220;Abhi-Ash8221; hysteria, its beginning to border on the pathological.

Shaking your head? You8217;re obviously in denial, beta. Admit it: choli ke peechhe we are all as obsequiously obsessed as anybody else. Why? Well, simply because the Bachchans are our role models, the living incarnation of the Perfect Indian Family. Here8217;s how:

Big B: The Perfect Patriarch, distinguished, dignified, devoted. A good husband of course, there was that little, uh, distraction 8212; but heck, men will be men, won8217;t they?, and a wonderful father how many do you know who devote their entire lives to personally promoting their sons 8212; apart from conscientiously promoting every suiting, eyewear, pen, shaving cream, mutual fund, car, refrigerator, pension scheme and herbal remedy on the market? Above all, a man of character who shoots to stardom and pulls himself out of the professional pits with equal panache and felicity 8212; then modestly attributes it to the grace of God.

Mrs B: The Perfect Matriarch, ruling her roost with the proverbial iron fist in a velvet glove. The perfect wife, who forgave her lord his trespasses, and ran the domestic show discreetly behind her pallu. The protective mama, who knows when to put her foot down well, wasn8217;t she right about the Kapoor Girl, after all? And, with a seat in the Rajya Sabha, also an aspiring, modern day Mother India.

Ms B: The Perfect Daughter, content to retreat to the family shadows and bask in bhaiya8217;s reflected glory. Content to marry a man of her parents8217; choice, after the mandatory stint at a Swiss finishing school. Content to hover on the fringes of Bollywood and conduct a respectable chat show instead of skinnying around trees like some of her less demure contemporaries.

Jr B: The Perfect Heir. Following dutifully in Daddy8217;s formidable footsteps. Doing his parents proud and minding his Ps and Qs: no flash, hash or smash, to mar the Family Name. And, of course, he8217;s also doing the honourable thing, by marrying a girl who meets with Ma and Pa8217;s approval.

Which naturally brings us to Aishwarya Rai, the embodiment of the Perfect Bahu. Fair and Lovely, she8217;s India8217;s ultimate feminine paradox: the sexy ice-maiden. What8217;s more, 8220;she8217;s quiet, stands behind, and listens8221; gushed her future mother-in-law over koffee with Karan. And, despite her own considerable clout in tinseltown, the bride is obviously happy to be the suffix in the Abhi-Ash alliance. All in all, model matrimonial material. There8217;s just one hitch, though: Ash is 8220;Manglik8221;, a potential domestic hazard. But fortunately, our sensible girl agreed to marry any tree to atone. Besides, Papa B is making sure the Gods are suitably appeased to waive her unsuitable astrological status.

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And finally, of course, there8217;s the Perfect Indian Wedding, where Mum and Dad will be permitted to legitimately let their hair down with some juicy Bollywood jhatkas. 8220;As for those who thought the groom was cross with his childhood pal for kissing his bride-to-be on screen, here8217;s good news8221; crowed a news report smugly. 8220;Hrithik Roshan may just put in a special appearance if he is invited.8221; So broadminded! Meanwhile, the honeymoon, we are told, is indefinitely deferred due to domestic commitments.

See? The Perfect Indian Family. No wonder we just can8217;t get enough of them.