A mother8217;s heart gently weeps

Aparna Biswas's face breaks into a broad smile as she greets you. The air of vitality and exuberance which she carries around her almost ...

Aparna Biswas8217;s face breaks into a broad smile as she greets you. The air of vitality and exuberance which she carries around her almost like a protective shield, masks the sadness in her eyes. 8220;Even though my work and other activities keep me busy, I feel something is vacant in me 8211; my heart seems very empty,8221; she muses softly. As an insurance agent, Aparna was one of the first women in Pune with a job-profile that was clearly not demarcated for women. However, that was a minor challenge compared to the one she faced much later in life 8211; a tragedy that threatened to shake the status quo of her motherhood. Aparna lost her 16 year old son to cancer a year and a half ago.

Today, she has managed to come to terms with his demise, but the pain remains as a constant reminder in her heart. The tragedy has also radically changed her beliefs and toughened her in a way. For Aparna is a survivor. The only earning member of her family her husband stopped working because he had to nurse their son, who was grown up enough to feel shy of being nursed by a woman, she was the guiding force that kept the family unit intact with her steadfast will throughout that traumatic time.

Abhijeet Biswas, or Raja8217; as he was lovingly called by his mother, was a very talented boy. Tall, fair and handsome, he was evidently the apple of his parents eye. Good in both academics and sports he also penned beautiful poems. Enough to make any parent proud. All this changed the day Aparna found him unconscious when she went to wake him up for an exam. The doctors found a deep seated tumour in his brain which proved to be malignant. By the time palliative surgery was performed on Abhijeet, he had already begun to loose his memory and the tumour recurred again after three months. 8220;You could say that I was prepared for only those three months. I set myself and the family into a routine that made things seem normal at least for a time,8221; says Aparna.

It was especially exacting for Aparna. While her job kept her on the move sometimes she travels almost 60 kilometres a day, she had to make frequent trips to the hospital, carrying food for both her husband and son, besides looking after the house and her daughter who was growing up. 8220;Driving on the highway at night was especially scary. I had learnt where and which potholes to avoid, and even their number, since I would make so many trips in a day,8221; says Aparna. One round trip to the Hardikar hospital, near the Rahul theatre and back to Pimpri which is where the family stays was quite exhausting. 8220;Sometimes you have to learn to do certain things because of need. Now I have become so adept at driving that manoeuvering my car through the trucks on the highway is second nature,8221; says Aparna, with a wry smile.

Aparna tries her utmost to keep living, engaging herself in numerous activities and setting a tough routine for herself. Her day begins with a work out at the gym, then work at office takes up much of her time, and in her free time she involves herself in a talent club which she formed for children. Besides, she is there to provide active encouragement to her daughter who is now in college, and makes it a point to meet her friends and go to kitty parties. Throughout it all, thoughts of Raja keep coming to her. 8220;He is always with me, at the back of my mind when I am busy, and I look forward to those moments when I am alone and I hear his voice, his mannerisms, the way he laughed8230;,8221; she says, her voice trailing off. There are no tears left to engulf this mother, whose sorrow dried them a long time ago.

8220;Raja was a very bright student,8221; she continues. 8220;After his demise the S.S. Ajmera school decided to give a rolling trophy in his name 8211; the Abhijeet Memorial Trophy, given to the student who stood first in the board examinations. He even got a few poems published in local newspapers. We even received a cheque from The Indian Express, for the publishing of one of his poems,8221; says Aparna, breaking off abruptly at the painful memories.

For Aparna, recovery can never be total. Once a devout believer in God, her conversion to atheism was forced. 8220;I was brought up in a religious family and when Raja8217;s cancer was diagonised as malignant there is no stone which I left unturned in my prayers. I observed fasts, performed numerous pujas in every religion, even arranged for pujas to be performed in every state 8211; from Ambernath to Kanyakumari8230; I don8217;t regret that today, but I know that God is just an imagination of the mind. If there was a God, I would ask him to give me just one reason why he chose to give my son such an untimely death,8221; she says.

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Instead of God, Aparna found solace in the quiet advice of her son8217;s doctor Charudut Apte, who gave her 8220;encouragement and guidelines8221; which she has diligently followed. 8220;We women are gifted with patience and tolerance 8211; it is the gift of nature,8221; she muses.

Aparna wrote two beautiful poems. 8220;Raja wrote better than me. This was just a way of remembering him and getting closer to him. I just wanted to finish what he started,8221; says Aparna.

There is no denying that Aparna is a spirited person. 8220;What must all the mothers who have lost their sons in Kargil be feeling?8221; she asks. 8220;At least my son was with me when he died,8221; she says, continuing with a parable which briefly characterises her life today. 8220;Fate is not something that is in our hands. Therefore, never look back. If you keep looking back, you8217;ll get a crick in the neck.8221;