90 Hours to NY

Such institutes are the latest rage in Punjab, not really known for its exalted standard of English, and where every second person wants to either emigrate or study abroad. The dusty city of Bathinda on the Rajasthan border, much mocked as the Wild West, alone boasts two dozen such shops.

Eager to know the secret of acquiring an American accent in such record time, I stride into Satpalji8217;s cabin, wondering whether to try my desi English. But thankfully, before I can put my foot in my mouth, Satpalji, a holder of the Canadian TOETSOL Teacher of English to Speakers of Other Languages certificate, decides I should check out a beginner8217;s class before enrolling.

8216;8216;You must feel what kind of things are going on around here,8217;8217; he narrows his eyes mysteriously.

The goings-on are noisy. The all-male class is busy exercising its vocal chords. 8216;8216;Lemme, lemme,8217;8217; holler the Punjabi munde. As I step in, they switch to, 8216;8216;Don8217;t, don8217;t.8217;8217; I freeze, but the skinny man on the podium beams me a reassuring smile. 8216;8216;It8217;s a revision class.8217;8217; As the five-day-old class fumbles, he growls: 8216;8216;Don8217;t be parrot.8217;8217;

I seat myself on a cushioned bench in row number two, directly behind a pair of Ignition jeans, as Satpalji breezes in. Smoothing his shiny hair, he drawls: 8216;8216;Lagta hai some people are missing.8217;8217; Gee, I must master this accent, I vow to myself.

8216;8216;Sir,8217;8217; as the class calls him, seems to be in an unusually chatty mood. Later, he tells me it8217;s deliberate. 8216;8216;They must feel light, they must feel we are in entertainment.8217;8217;

We certainly start off on a very entertaining note with Satpalji asking us whether English has begun to haunt our dreams. Turning nostalgic, he tells us about his English-learning days. 8216;8216;I was very passionate, I mean to say I was very crazy, sote hue bhi English badbadata tha,8217;8217; he smiles, and we do the same.

Our grins widen as he tells us how we8217;ll soon have trouble speaking Hindi as our tongues will spout nothing but English. We8217;re still fantasizing about our angrezi future when he brings us back to earth by asking: 8216;8216;Aarr you shy?8217;8217; This particular question is directed at 8216;8216;Liar sahib8217;8217;, one Paramdeep Singh, a taxation lawyer.

This is just one of the many 8216;shy8217; questions he flings at us in the next 10 minutes. 8216;8216;Aarr you dencin shy?8217;8217; he asks. 8216;8216;Not at boozy parties,8217;8217; answers a hunk as the rest of us laugh giddily. But his, 8216;8216;Aarr you singin shy?8217;8217; elicits three resounding nos. The loudest one comes from John Singh, a gangly youth in baggy jeans who later tells me his emigration to the UK is just three months away. Impressed, Satpalji invites him to the podium where he belts out a doleful Mere Dil Wich Uthdi Ghook8230;, eyes squeezed tight, one hand stroking a vein ready to burst.

Two more sad songs later, we return abruptly to English with yet another question: 8216;8216;His voice was8230;?8217;8217; 8216;8216;Good,8217;8217; we chorus happily. But Satpalji shoots us down with: 8216;8216;No, his voice was mel-oh-dius.8217;8217;

This is his fourth and second last batch of the day, but he8217;s brimming with energy.

Soon he steers us to matters more personal with, 8216;8216;Aarr you baaathing shy?8217;8217; I lower my eyes demurely as the Punjabi munde bellow a thunderous no. Assured of our general hygiene, Satpalji turns to ladka-ladki relations with, 8216;8216;Are you girl shy?8217;8217; 8216;8216;He he,8217;8217; we go, prompting him to dwell on his first day in a co-ed college. 8216;8216;The girls really excited me,8217;8217; he confides.

That fact off his chest, it8217;s time for a break. In the lull that follows, I sidle up to my classmates there are 13 of them, all shrinking violets except John Singh, who decides to study me. Sanjay Kumar is a VIP luggage dealer; Jaspal Garg, a wannabe MBA. They hope the Rs 600-a-month course will improve their spoken English. 8216;8216;For interview purpose,8217;8217; explains Dalbir Singh, a BTech from Punjab University.

But before we can get really thick, Satpalji returns to teach us the difference between do and does, what and when, through sentences translated from Hindi to English. 8216;8216;What is your name?8217;8217; he asks. We hazard the tried and tested, 8216;8216;My name is8230;8217;8217; But Satpalji grunts his disapproval, 8216;8216;No, say, 8216;this is8230;8217;8217;8217;

After doffing some existential questions such as, 8216;8216;What are you?8217;8217;, and mundane ones like, 8216;8216;What do you take for breakfast?8217;8217; and, 8216;8216;Where did you go before a fortnight?8217;8217;, we dutifully jot down our homework. Class over, Satpalji breezes out with, 8216;8216;Okay then, ciao.8217;8217;

The class stands up and moos, 8216;8216;Cow8217;8217;.

Outside, he tells me he has high hopes for these beginners. 8216;8216;They8217;ve just come out from Bathinda, I will make them Amaaricans in three months,8217;8217; he thunders. 8216;8216;Cow,8217;8217; I murmur weakly.