‘Paanch saalon mein maine usey bada hote dekha hi nahi; To become Anupamaa, I took…’: Rupali Ganguly on the guilt of working mothers; role husbands can play

Her confession revealed the mounting guilt she carries, as a mother: ‘Paanch salo me maine use bada hote dekha hi nahi. To become Anupama, I took away his time.’ (I did not see him grow up over these five years). Rupali further added that, in real life, if someone deserves this award, it’s her husband, Ashwin K Verma —highlighting the importance of a supportive partner for working mothers.

Taking a cue from her confession, we reached out to Mehezabin Dordi, Clinical Psychologist at Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai, to dissect the guilt of working mothers. 

When partners share household and parenting responsibilities fairly, it lightens both the physical and emotional load

1)  Why do so many working mothers experience guilt, even when they know they’re doing their best?

Many working mothers experience guilt because they constantly navigate conflicting roles and expectations. Work and parenting both make strong emotional and time demands, often pulling them in opposite directions. Even when they are performing well in both areas, mothers may still feel they are falling short in one or the other. This guilt also stems from perfectionism and internalised high standards – the belief that a “good mother” should always be available, patient, and attentive. On a deeper level, attachment instincts drive mothers to prioritise caregiving, so when they spend less time with their children, it can trigger feelings of distress or inadequacy. Psychologically, mothers also tend to focus more on small perceived failures (like missing a school event) and overlook daily successes. Over time, this negative bias and constant self-evaluation can make guilt a persistent companion, even when they’re objectively doing their best.

2) How much of this guilt comes from societal expectations and the idea of what a “good mother” should be?

The psychologist notes that a significant part of working-mom guilt is rooted in societal expectations and cultural beliefs about motherhood. She points out that many societies promote the ideal of “intensive mothering,” where mothers are expected to devote all their time, energy, and emotions to their children. “These messages are further reinforced by social media, family traditions, and community norms.” This often makes mothers feel that any time spent away from their children is a form of neglect. Furthermore, mothers are still judged more harshly than fathers for prioritising their careers, creating an “unequal emotional burden.” Structural factors like “limited maternity leave, lack of flexible workplaces, and scarce childcare options” worsen the situation.

3) How can working mothers learn to manage or reduce this guilt while maintaining a healthy work-life balance?

Dordi emphasises that it’s a common emotional response to conflicting roles, not a sign of failure. Instead of aiming for perfection, being a “good enough” parent who provides love, safety, and emotional presence rather than constant availability. Self-compassion is another crucial area, as per the psychologist, who recommends speaking kindly to oneself and acknowledging effort rather than shortcomings, to reduce the weight of guilt. “Setting clear boundaries between work and home can make both roles feel more manageable.” As per Dodi, spending short but meaningful moments with children often matters more than the number of hours together.

“Seeking support from family, friends, or childcare options, and being open to delegating tasks, can ease pressure. At a broader level, working mothers can advocate for flexible work arrangements or predictable schedules, which help create balance.” However, the psychologist cautions that when guilt becomes persistent or overwhelming, it is important to speak to a therapist and learn structured strategies through “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).”

4) How important is the role of a husband in managing this guilt?

Dodri confirms that the role of a husband or partner is extremely crucial in helping reduce working-mom guilt. “A supportive husband who listens, validates the challenges, and reassures his partner that she’s doing a good job can significantly reduce feelings of inadequacy.” S/he should share household and parenting responsibilities fairly.

Equally important is the idea of co-parenting, i.e. both partners taking ownership rather than one “helping” the other. Open communication about expectations, appreciation for each other’s efforts, and joint decision-making about family priorities also foster a sense of teamwork rather than guilt. “In essence, when husbands act as equal partners- emotionally and practically, they help create an environment where guilt is replaced with balance, confidence, and mutual respect,” she concludes.

 

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