Karan Johar says he failed his parents as a child: ‘I was effeminate, unlike other boys’; common signs a kid is struggling with identity

He told D’Souza, “I was effeminate, I was unlike the other boys, you know, in my neighbourhood, in school. I didn’t want to play sports, and therefore, all I did was bury my head into my books and then I watched a lot of Hindi cinema. I wasn’t sociable, I wasn’t an extrovert.”

He continued, “I was very introverted and shy… and I could sense that there was disappointment particularly in my mother’s eyes.”

Johar’s story reflects a struggle many children face: the fear of disappointing their parents due to their identity or perceived shortcomings. So, what can be done to provide them with more support?

Common signs that a child is struggling with their identity and fearing parental rejection

Gurleen Baruah, occupational psychologist and executive coach at That Culture Thing reveals that there are no clear-cut signs like those found in medical sciences or even specific disorders. “Identifying struggles with identity and fears of parental rejection varies greatly depending on the child’s age and developmental stage. Kids aren’t fully developed adults; they’re growing and changing all the time.” 

For example, if a usually cheerful toddler becomes clingy or fussy, it might mean they’re feeling insecure. This ties into developmental psychology, she states, where children in early stages need to feel safe and secure to explore their identity.

It’s definitely possible for parents to create a supportive and loving environment for their children (Source: Freepik)

Baruah mentions, “As children grow, their way of expressing these struggles changes. A child in early school years might suddenly become withdrawn or overly aggressive during play. During middle childhood, kids might show signs of struggle through their school performance or behaviour. A previously good student might start failing tests, or a child might become unusually anxious or angry. These behaviours can be coping mechanisms for deeper identity issues.”

When kids hit their teenage years, identity struggles can become more pronounced. Teens often experiment with different looks, hobbies, and friend groups as they try to figure out who they are. If a 15-year-old starts dressing in a drastically different style or arguing with parents about values, it might be a sign of deeper identity conflicts.

For young adults, the struggle might involve balancing independence with the need for parental approval, says Baruah. “A 20-year-old might avoid discussing their true career aspirations, fearing their parents won’t approve. They might even pretend to agree with their parents’ expectations to avoid conflict. This can link back to unresolved childhood issues, where the fear of rejection continues to influence their behaviour.”

Creating a supportive and accepting environment for children who are grappling with their identity

“It’s definitely possible for parents to create a supportive and loving environment for their children, even when it’s challenging. Kids can get on your nerves at various stages of their development, and that’s completely normal. Everyone goes through it. We often associate these feelings with shame, which can prevent us from creating the loving environment we want. So, the first tip is to be kind to yourself,” assures Baruah.

When you shout at your child and feel guilty for reacting that way, she recommends acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. “Reflect on what led to that reaction. Understand your emotions. By doing this, you can learn and grow from the experience, which is an important step in creating a supportive environment.”

It’s inevitable that, as parents, mistakes will happen. Creating a good environment isn’t about being perfect but about teaching that mistakes happen and it’s important to take responsibility for them. If you feel guilty for shouting at your child, apologise to them. 

Another key aspect is to be an active listener. When your child shares their thoughts and feelings, listen without interrupting or judging. This makes them feel heard and valued. If your teenager tells you they’re questioning their beliefs or identity, instead of dismissing their feelings, engage in a respectful dialogue. 

Baruah adds, “Support their interests and passions, even if they differ from your own. If your child wants to pursue a hobby or interest that you don’t understand, show enthusiasm and support. This validates their choices and reinforces that you accept them for who they are.”

Lastly, take care of your own well-being. Parenting is challenging, and it’s important to look after your mental and emotional health. When you’re calm and centred, you can better support your child.