Road rage has become a major issue on our roads today often leading to unpleasant and serious scenarios. Impatient motorists hoot and shriek at one another — and turn the air blue with their language — often reverting to fisticuffs and more. While modern cars are loaded with safety features, there’s one very simple one they’ve missed out on – and which should become mandatory. Modifying horns. There’s nothing that gets your goat more than an idiot behind you blaring away, unable to understand that blowing one’s horn never cleared traffic, and only put the subject’s back and blood pressure up. That’s because horns sound so offensive. So why not make it mandatory that all motor horns should sound like birdsong or birdcalls? If the guy behind you in the Humvee warbles like a skylark or bulbul, you’ll gladly give way to him or her with a smile and a wave, even if he is purple with rage! Of course, we mustn’t get carried away here: Just as some horns, for example,e those that sound like the Colonel Bogey March, have been banned so must some calls and songs. No cock-a-doodle-doos, no seagulls, no crows, no raptors like eagles (some of which sound like a puppy being smacked,) no barn owls, no peacocks (which sound like out-of-control lorries going downhill). And certainly, never the call of the brain-fever bird (‘brain-fever, brain-fever, brain-fever’) which would only exacerbate matters or even the cuckoo (‘one more bottle, one more bottle, one more bottle!’) lest the driver be hauled up for driving under the influence! No jeerng jungle babblers, or screeching (talking/cursing) parakeets. As for mynas, well, they could be a problem because they can sound both dulcet as well as hideous. On the plus side, ducks would sound absolutely hilarious and of course, the songs of the magpie-robin or shama or whistling thrush would be just heavenly! Can you imagine the result if this were taken up wholesale? There you have the mother of all traffic jams and all you can hear are skylarks or bulbuls singing their hearts out all around you. Or magpie robins playing flute concertos? A traffic jam would no longer be the horrendous experience it now is. High-end cars, especially SUVs, could have a selection of birdsongs and calls which their drivers can choose from. Tired of being a skylark, switch to the oriole! Cars imported from the West will of course plump for the nightingale, but, those made in India can have a plethora of beautiful songs and calls to choose from. Urgent sounding calls — like that of the shikra perhaps — can be reserved for ambulances, clearly indicating, ‘coming through like it or not!’ Even the sirens on police vehicles and VIP limousines can be changed thus: most birds scatter on hearing the shikra’s hunting call — so it might have the same effect here without making you want to show them the finger. If you think this is too wimpy an approach — that you’d rather have your horn sounding like the snarl of a tiger or snorting of a buffalo, or trumpeting of an enraged elephant, (if we stick to the animal theme) think of this: Most birds (generally the dudes) call and sing to indicate that they’re alive and well, that they are claiming territory which other dudes better stay away from, and that they are seeking to impress the girls. So in some senses, you’d really be saying in bird language, ‘Abbe, kyaa aapke baap ka rasta hain?’ (Hey, is this your father’s road?) — and also, ‘Will you be mine till the end of time?’ Regarding singing to impress the girls: that may seem chauvinistic but there’s no reason why girls can’t do the same thing for exactly the same reason. (Cranes are renowned for their mutual romantic trumpeting!) So, we might just end up with quite the opposite of road rage —road romances — and though killjoys may wag their fingers in disapproval of all this PDA, it’s certainly better than exploding out of your vehicle and assaulting the subject of your ire. Imagine peak hour in Mumbai, Bengaluru, Delhi or any metropolis around the world if this were to become the norm. The cacophony would be killed forever and every jammed road would sound like the dawn chorus! Of course, in the West, tooting your horn is considered extremely rude, so there may only be the occasional warble or whistle, but in places like India where horn-blowing is chronic? It would sound wonderful. In the morning you’d reach your place of work or education whistling or humming instead of frothing at the mouth and cursing and be in the same mood when you get back home in the evening even after having spent four hours bumper to bumper! You may think, that sitting in your Mercedes you might not hear the person behind you, warbling at you like a lark, to make way. Well, think of this: a hill barbet I heard calling in Kasauli one morning, had a voice that carried I’m sure all the way to Simla! Loud yes, but it made you smile! Now what would birds think about all this chirruping, warbling and singing going on all day on the roads? Bird recording replays have been used by birders to attract birds. So would they come out of the woodwork en masse to have a look at what the hell is going on? If they do, and we see how beautiful they are, we may be more likely to save them and their habitats. Just as long as we don’t give them road rage!
