What do bats have to say about being blamed for COVID-19

Bat: What the hell were your precious scientists doing fingering us in the first place? Of course, we’ll bite if you take such liberties. You were researching us for some nasty viruses, weren’t you — which you could then raise and develop and use as bio-weapons on your own kind? Well, we gave you one for free, so, why are you complaining? You humans make us sick — you have evil intentions towards your own kind and, when things boomerang, you blame us. Thousands of us have been slaughtered by panicky people. All we want is to be left alone so that we can continue pollinating your bananas, durians, and a host of other food plants. If we stopped, you would starve.

DIJ: But a lot of this research is aimed at developing medicines so we can make sick people well. There are so many medicines that are based on animal parts and products. People have been using these traditional medicines for thousands of years.

Bat: None of which have been scientifically proven to actually work. You people are good at running such money-making rackets. It’s amazing how a country which wants to rule the world still believes that “eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog” will make you well.

(There’s a stir as some other animals — among them, a ragged-looking Siberian tiger, dog, pangolin, dehorned rhino, and buffalo — join in.)

Tiger: Do you know what I am? A farmed tiger. Have you ever heard of anything more shameful? There are thousands of us in so-called tiger farms — where you humans intend to kill us and use our bones, blood and private parts for making foul concoctions which, you think, will turn you into Casanovas. There are more of us in captivity on farms than there are in the wild.

DIJ: Take it as a compliment, we humans think you are so virile and macho that we need your body parts.
Siberian Tiger (growling): Shame on you!

Pangolin (piping up): You make soup and wine with our fetuses thinking it’s good for you. You really are sick.

Dog: Only your species will think of eating what you call your best friend. As for using our private parts, I would rather not get into that — it’s too revolting for words. Why on earth do we still wag our tails when you get back home from work!

Bear (shambling in, grunting): And you keep us captive and suck our bile out with syringes — to make your precious so called-medicines.

Rhino (snorting): Look at me, sir, just look at me! My pride and joy has been hacked off! To you, our horns are more precious than gold because you stupidly believe that it, too, will turn you into Casanova studs. Our horns are just compressed hair, eat your nails if you want keratin. Are you really the planet’s so-called intelligent creatures or plain imbeciles?

Tiger: Your species, especially your gender, has a major confidence problem. How do you impress your ladies with such an attitude?

DIJ: But you have to admit that not all of us disrespect you: in India, cows are considered sacred by millions and cow dung and urine are treated like elixirs.

Buffalo: So, why are there more starving cows roaming the streets eating plastic bags than anywhere else in the world? That’s some veneration!

DIJ: Well, what message should I take back to my species when I return to civilisation?

Animals (in chorus): Just leave us alone to continue our work in keeping the planet in running order! Why must young men jump on the backs of young heifers, take them by the horns, so they go berserk? What have they done to you? We know you use us for meat — many of us also hunt — but that is to live. You harass us for your entertainment, use us for diabolical, dubious purposes. Be warned, you don’t know quite what you’re meddling with: this COVID-19 calamity could be just the tip of the iceberg. Haven’t you lost enough of your people to it? Haven’t you suffered enough?

Bat: Don’t mess with us anymore.

Animals (in chorus): Just leave us in peace!