Opinion Not so woke after all

One point people are raising against Grace is that if she wasn’t enjoying what was going on, she should have left. She should have said an unequivocal “no”. It’s important to remember that she was meeting Aziz Ansari, her screen idol. The power dynamic is very obviously skewered in his favour. Maybe she didn’t want to disappoint him. Maybe, in the moment, she didn’t realise that what was happening to her was not right, and was overwhelmed. Remember, hindsight is always 20/20. People are also saying Grace’s account diminishes everything rape survivors and sexual assault victims are fighting for. The magnitude of what happened to Grace definitely pales in comparison to some of the shockers we read in the papers every day. Grace was, after all, a consenting adult who had gone on a date with a celebrity and had a horrible experience. However, the horrible date and the behaviour she faced while on it is a slippery slope to actual assault. If we can nip such behaviour in the bud by starting a conversation about it, that is a good thing.

Is Aziz guilty of sexual assault? No. Is Aziz guilty of being aggressive, entitled and hypermasculine? Yes. Is it fair to blame Aziz alone? No. The problem here is much larger than Aziz and his apparent behaviour that night. It is that most men do not see anything wrong with such behaviour. She had gone to his apartment. They engaged in oral sex. “If she didn’t want it, then why did she go up in the first place?” The fact that consent is not a permanent fixture, and that people can change their minds midway through the act, is a concept that is lost on many people. Sexual coercion is also considered an acceptable way of getting into someone’s pants. A lot of this has to do with societal conditioning: Men are expected to take the lead in the bedroom, women are expected to be coy. So, you have to pressure the other person into doing things they might not want to do. This behaviour is what needs to change. For a vast majority of India, stalking someone is considered an acceptable way of professing your love for them. However, that doesn’t make it right, does it?

Jameela Jamil, who appears on the TV show The Good Place, makes a very valid point when she writes, “With regard to consent… it’s important to everyone involved, but especially, in my opinion, if that person is the one to be penetrated. You want to enter them. You best ensure you are a welcome guest, not someone who just begged, pressured, guilt-tripped or harassed their way inside.” She goes on to talk about how “our society, the internet, and even our most mainstream media, constantly perpetuate the idea that men do not need to worry about what our needs and boundaries are. They just need technical consent, however that consent is acquired”. This is key to our behaviour in the bedroom; it should be your duty to make sure your partner is completely there and willing, and not feel pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do. I understand dating and sex is a minefield, but it’s always more enjoyable when everyone involved is fully on board.

When Grace messaged Aziz about how she felt about the night before, Aziz said he was deeply saddened, apologised for his behaviour and said he will take her words to heart. In his statement that came out post the Babe article, Aziz maintains that he felt the encounter was completely consensual. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing whether Aziz meant what he said about taking her words to heart, or if he was just paying lip service to a cause he publicly identifies with. I can only hope Aziz is as “woke”as the media dubs him to be and introspects about what he did. As far as I’m concerned, he should never have been within earshot of something like this. Because I expected better from him. Because, like I said at the start of this article, I love Aziz.