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Rishi’s girlfriend is not taking his call or replying to his messages since morning. A couple of hours go by, and the 17-year-old starts thinking: she may be talking to “that” boy or she’s gone out with him. He gets ready and goes to her tuition centre and finds that she is not there. He jumps to the conclusion that she has gone out with the boy.
He keeps calling her and soon her phone comes switched off . He doesn’t get a reply from her either. He begins to get angrier and starts leaving rude messages on social media. Rishi keeps thinking about her and “this” boy. As evening time comes, he can’t bear this anymore. He is convinced in his mind that she wants to dump him. To numb himself from the pain and racing thoughts, he starts cutting himself.
The next day, Rishi finds out that his girlfriend’s father had a heart attack and had to be rushed to hospital. Her phone was left behind at home. All he was thinking was just him imagining it, there was no link to reality.
As a parent you must think ‘I hope my child doesn’t do this’. But self-cutting is rampant among the youth today. So let’s understand why it happens and how can we help someone like Rishi deal with emotional turmoil. How can we equip teens like him to control themselves the next time a girlfriend or friend does not respond in the manner he/she wants?
Self-cutting is a risky and habit-forming behaviour affecting many teens. Far too often it is disregarded as just “attention seeking.” It’s hard to understand why someone would deliberately hurt themselves. It is a sign of struggle and deep emotional pain. To an adolescent, cutting seems like the only way to interrupt pain that is difficult to endure, be it the feeling of rejection, the pressure to be the “perfect child” or the fear of failure.
The question here is when do normal ups and downs of adolescence become something to worry about? The more you know, the better you will be at understanding and handling your child with care. Here are some ways parents can help a teen who is self-cutting, experiencing emotional distress and how to, more importantly, prevent a tragedy.
Reach out & listen – Be vigilant and observant to any changes in behaviour. If you notice your teen not looking and behaving like their normal selves, sit and talk to them. Say, “You seem sad/withdrawn. Would you like to talk about it? I’m here for you.” Don’t shy away from having these conversations with your children or think it’s not going to happen in your family… their mental health and life is too precious for that.
Encouragement – Sometimes your teen needs to hear encouraging words from you. Let them know that you can see them trying hard to improve in a facet of their life – maybe it’s a sport or public speaking – where they are dedicated to training themselves. Remind them they have the ability to handle this in other ways, as they have coped with difficulties in the past.
Strengthen communication – Let your teen know that cutting is related to painful experiences and that you want to help and understand. Offer care, love and support. Your child must feel soothed by you.
Seek professional help – Cutting offers temporary relief and it becomes a repetitive cycle if not stopped. A mental-health professional can help your teen with healthy coping skills, resolving emotional burdens, with tools to keep him/her motivated on changing behaviour. They will also guide you on your role to alleviate the distress.
A lot of emotional turmoil within teens comes from what they see in their families. So spend quality family time together which is upbeat and joyful. As parents, you could model healthy ways of coping with unmet expectations, stress and problems. Remember, your children look up to you and learn from you.
Shubhika Singh is a senior consultant psychologist specialising in young adults and the co-founder of Innerkraft.com based in Kolkata
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