Opinion How To Raise A Boy: My twins taught me to stop comparing and complaining

We knew they weren’t identical, but just how unidentical they were caught me off guard. There was Vir, born a minute earlier and the “bigger” of the two, who barely cried despite spending a month and a half in the neonatal ICU, and Kabir, whose wails would wake up a dozen other newborns at the slightest inconvenience.

And as we counted days in the hospital, waiting for health updates twice a day, I unthinkingly began doing something I had promised myself I wouldn’t as a parent — comparing how they were doing.

Looking back, I believe this came from two places. One, as expectant parents, my wife and I would save articles and Instagram reels with tips and tricks on how to be the perfect caregiver. Feeding, sleeping, burping, wiping — once your algorithm knows you are a parent, there’s no escaping the barrage of “how to” videos that can easily slip into “how not to”.

While many were undoubtedly helpful, they also put subconscious pressure on first-time parents to get everything just right — including the dreaded milestones. And so, when one started crawling while the other could sit up, instead of celebrating those tiny moments for what they were, I found myself questioning if either was falling behind.

Two, comparing yourself with others is the quintessential Indian middle-class experience. College degree, salary package, SIP amount, first car — to begrudge those who have something better is second nature. And the pressure society puts on its young men to check these boxes is inescapable. Was I bringing that baggage into my parenting?

Fortunately, three things helped me course-correct. One, a spouse who celebrates things for what they are, not for what they could be. Every time I slipped into a comparison, she would remind me how much farther we have come than we could have imagined sitting in that hospital waiting room a year ago.

Two, paediatricians who were blunt. I remember asking about the increasing difference in weight between the two, only to be told: “Over 60,000 babies are born in India each day, and these two are as different as the rest of them; just two boys who happen to have been born on the same day.” And another, who said: “We tell parents not to compare their children with others. If you have twins, that has to start from birth.”

And three, the boys themselves. As they become more aware of the world — and of their parents — the best part of parenting has been discovering just how different they are. Vir thrives in the company of strangers; Kabir views anyone new with suspicion. Vir loves being lifted in the air; Kabir is happiest on the ground. Vir needs his afternoon nap; Kabir can’t do without a morning outing to the park.

As our boys come up on a year, I have learned more from them than they have from me. Now, it is for me to teach them that their achievements will never be pitted against anyone else’s.

The writer is Senior Associate Editor (Express News Service), The Indian Express