Opinion Feeling Their Way

Fortunately,the prime minister took a hand,invited over a few Pakistani pals,and suddenly we were supposed to be Hopeful instead. We were served the cloyingly syrupy paeans to Indo-Pak peace of the sort that cause you,perversely,to want to charge up to the Wagah border and yell at a goose-stepping Ranger. Barkha Dutt had a special show from Chandigarh’s Rock Garden with everyone sitting uncomfortably on the crudely cut stone steps,and one chap in the front holding two flags and looking,you know,hopeful. Various people tried to sound dovish: former Punjab CM Amarinder Singh,for example sang the praises of Punjab-Punjab diplomacy,which does confuse people who find it difficult to imagine even one Punjab being diplomatic; Sania Mirza chirped on about how married couples don’t need to agree on everything,wisdom which totally deserved to be on TV; and Pervez Musharraf,like a crazy ex,called from London to talk about himself. Then the show began to be drowned out by what I,primed by all the military stuff,initially thought were artillery-fire sound effects,but turned out to be a rainstorm. A sari-clad Raveena Tandon was on stage,actually being combative and tossing her hair about Pakistani hypocrisy about Hindi films,and that may have had something to do with it. Then India won,as you may have heard,and we were supposed to be Euphoric. I will pass lightly over all the anchors congratulating a nation that must have worked hard to achieve that result,since I don’t do euphoric well. On the other hand,they didn’t either.

And then some fellow who calls himself a historian wrote a review in some thing that calls itself a newspaper of Joseph Lelyveld’s book on Gandhi,and everyone could bring out their favourite emotion: Outraged! As CNN-IBN asked: “Should the Gandhi book questioning his sexuality be banned?” That’s what the giant yellow headline said,and that’s what one anchor demanded,coming down particularly thunderously on the “banned”,like a judge’s gavel,before a mildly panicked Anubha Bhonsle stammered: “Can’t remember — perhaps the book’s not even questioning his sexuality — fleeting mentions — possibility of a bisexuality.” She gained confidence enough to challenge an exemplar of Maharashtra’s principled politics,Jitendra Awhad of the NCP,who first called the book a “racist attack”,to which she pointed out that a couple of fleeting lines are hardly an attack. “Whether you write a book on him,or you call him a homo,means the same… one word,or a full book,indicates the human behaviour,” spluttered Awhad,upset. Outraged,even,at this racist plan. IBN managed to get video of Joseph Lelyveld sounding pretty outraged himself. I have to say I found myself rooting for the old white guy.

That’s what TV does to you. It tells you how to feel,and half the time you wind up feeling the exact opposite. Save time,and give us the icon,why don’t you.

TAILPIECE: NDTV,sensing our Outrage! at black-marketing,took a camera to Wankhede Stadium. They blurred out the faces of the rich boys bragging about their dads selling tickets in black; the security guard who offers to source them is named and his face shown.