Opinion A very rough guide to India

Coalitions in India are larger —many more parties than just two as in your case (though I know that your party as well as Nick Clegg’s have each a Right and Left wing plus a large middle.) But you don’t need to worry about the class position of your ministers —aristos or middle-class,nor their regional affiliation — Scottish,Welsh etc. The UPA,your host government,has to worry about the caste and regional identity of all their ministers and of the ministers of their partner parties. Indeed,regional affiliations are so strong that competence in the job is not at all necessary. The Railways Minister is merely there so she can help Congress get a second position in the forthcoming elections in West Bengal. No one cares how many people die in railway accidents under her watch.

You are also lucky that your party is in power only at Westminster and not in other regions as well. You may have had to turn a blind eye to what your partners get up to if they were vital for you to rule in Scotland or Wales. The UPA has an Agriculture Minister who is there merely because he helps out in Maharashtra.

India,along with the UK,is one of the highest deficit nations in the G20 but you will not find anyone too worried about that. The economy is growing at around 9 per cent in real terms,which is something you are never likely to experience. But you may wonder how with such a dysfunctional coalition at the top,the economy is growing so fast.

Perhaps,the mild-mannered Dr Singh can tell you about that. He let the genie of Indian entrepreneurship out of the bottle (marked Socialism) nearly two decades ago (while you were still a junior in the Conservative Party Central Office). He has the ability to let things be,even when all around him are worried about what might happen. In the sphere of economic policy,he succeeded beyond anyone’s dreams. He replaced a micro-managing,constantly interfering bureaucracy (sounds like Gordon Brown?) with a strategic macro-economic light touch. He has let Indian businesses have their way and they have repaid him with a lot of growth,and more tax revenue. Indeed,India has never had it so good in terms of public revenue.

Alas,you will also find that much of this revenue is utterly wasted. Millions of rupees end up in the pockets of intermediary politicians and bureaucrats and their families spend the money in shopping malls of Delhi,London and New York. But,of course,the money is meant to alleviate poverty and to eliminate malnutrition. The fact that it never gets there is the wonder that is India.

Of course,you have come to India to solicit business,to find markets for British exports and attract Indian capital to invest in UK. This is indeed a turnaround in the fortunes of India and UK. Once Indians complained about the drain of money to UK keeping India poor. Now we need the drain from India to keep the British from becoming poor.

My one piece of advice is to avoid talking politics,especially on Kashmir,or you will suffer a most terrible time,as David Miliband can tell you. The days when British politicians could presume upon our old relationship and proffer advice are long gone. Just listen to what your hosts tell you about how to foster growth in the economy. Along the way,if you could quietly let them know that DFID can no longer afford to send aid to India but that you will be happy to receive it for the poverty stricken north-east of England,you will do fine.

Yours in friendship.