Window seat

At the grimy six-storey structure in Bandra, the first thing I notice is that the glass facade has zero balconies. So I8217;m clearly not going to be hopping in and out with a mop.

The window cleaners aren8217;t here yet, but they deposited their equipment the previous day. The watchman lets me read the rather worrisome list: Body harness 2, helmet 4, rope 100 metres 2, safety belt 2, chemical 5 lt, suction pad 38230; and so on. We8217;re not going to be on one of those dinky lifts either.

I always thought this job must have great perks. There you are, perched on a mechanical contraption outside the window, cheerily humming whatever it is window cleaners hum, going swish swish swish. That8217;s when the glass clears for a Dress Circle view of a Sean Penn lookalike, naked, in bed, reading what else, The Sunday Express.But in the real world windows have blinds, and you operate from a mood-killing harness.

So it8217;s off to the terrace with Mumbai housekeeping firm Technoclean8217;s assistant supervisor Yadav. His assistant is already up there, and has been flinging ropes down the front of the building for the last several minutes.

My palms are sweaty, but as I head up, I notice that one of the tenants is Shri Sadguru Vastushastra Consultancy. The building8217;s vastu must be good.

I8217;m asked to put on a rather flimsy looking body seat harness8212;8216;8216;Don8217;t worry madam, it can take up to 150 kg.8217;8217; After that8217;s done, it8217;s time for the safety belt8212;just in case I attach the unit wrong.

So there I am, harnessed and astride the parapet, counting the number of people who will know I never went through with it five colleagues, one boss, two in-laws and one husband. Easier to just go for it.

And Yadav8217;s droning on: 8216;8216;Twelve years, no accident madam. I8217;ve cleaned windows in Madras, Bangalore, New Delhi, Hyderabad, Kolkata8230;8217;8217; The photographer8217;s telling me we8217;ll do it another time, perhaps that8217;s because I8217;m not letting go of his arm.

When I8217;ve had enough of my own fears, I climb over, hang on to the edge of the building with both hands like James Bond and let go, just like that.

The harness seems fine; time to relinquish the safety belt. Right hand on two ropes 10 cm in diameter, left hand on a lever or descender unit that releases the rope every time you move it one way, and locks you in position when you swing it back. Have to be gentle, of course, otherwise it could be a bumpy ride down.So it8217;s sort of like rappelling perhaps? Don8217;t know. Never tried that. My idea of an outdoor activity is sex under the stars.

The easiest survival tactic is to talk my way through it. So I ask Yadav if he8217;s ever seen anything interesting on the other side. 8216;8216;We just focus on our job, madam,8217;8217; replies the 37-year-old, who says the toughest building he8217;s ever cleaned is the Hyatt Regency hotel in Mumbai. That8217;s 400,000 sq ft of glass, including one sloping roof. It takes five people one month to get a grip on all that glass.

By now, I8217;ve realised I8217;m not destined for death by window cleaning. But I still can8217;t look down. So I stare at the glass in front of me instead. Across the road, on a balcony high up, an old man in a vest is staring disbelievingly. I notice the harness is cutting into my thighs. Hope the photographer8217;s not zooming in on all the resultant bulges, I think. That8217;s when I know I8217;m relaxed.

Time to get down to work. There are two brushes in the bucket of R2, a chemical glass cleaner, attached to a hook on my waist. 8216;8216;Let go of both your hands,8217;8217; says Yadav. Sure, I say, striking a Titanic pose8212;a little too vigorously, almost crashing through the fifth floor window and on to the VIP briefs drying on an office chair.But seriously, once I get the hang of it, I8217;m swishing and squeegeeing away, descending smoothly. C8217;mon, you8217;re too slow, I tell Yadav.

Normally, it takes four hours to clean this building. Forty minutes and I8217;m exhausted. Time to up the pace and make a smooth landing. A crowd of men watches the free Sunday entertainment.

My right knee hurts, my jeans are dusty, my hands are black. And I8217;m late for lunch with the parents. Mom8217;s bound to notice.