The sweetest thing

All this sweetness and light, this show of affection and confection, is touching of course. But if there is so much sweetness around, it follows that there is a pool of bitterness growing steadily somewhere, as ministerial aspirants, still awaiting that all-important phone call, grow more taciturn by the day and ministerial axe-pirants who find themselves, in one fell stroke, deprived of public profile and unlimited air tickets, rue the perversity of political bosses.

The big question of course is whether there is intelligent life out there in the newly refurbished Cabinet. Well, we8217;ll have to see. Meanwhile let us conjure up, for a moment, political speeches we must now expect in the coming months8230;

Prime Minister Vajpayee, addressing a Rotary club Trilokpuri dinner meeting: Bhaiyon aur behnon, let me first thank you for considering me worthy of addressing you tonight. I seize this occasion to clarify a few important national matters. Let me, first of all, respond to all those ill-founded rumours that I am now a spent force politically.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Let me state with all the power at my command that I am the boss of this government and I have the deputy prime minister8217;s permission to say so.

Further, every decision taken by my government will be mine and mine alone 8212; after it has been duly cleared by Advaniji. I will now place my next policy decision before you, which Advaniji has cleared. It is, bhaiyon aur behnon, my considered policy decision that I now retire to bed. Good night.

Finance Minister Jaswant Singh, presenting the Budget in Parliament: Speaker, Sir, it shall be my personal endeavour, in keeping with my having vouchsafed to the teeming populace of this great polygot nation, to be compassionate and philanthropic in the extension of my duties as chief trustee of the national treasury, with the ultimate purpose that this government may find favour in the eyes of the magnificent multitude when the general elections are upon us.

I shall therefore, Sir, despite my well-stated proclivity to prolixity, signal my intention in all sincerity and say as briefly as I can, in words reminiscent of George W. Bush, Senior: 8216;Read My Lips: No New Taxation8217;.

External Affairs Minister Yashwant Sinha, addressing a media briefing at Shastri Bhavan: We must pay Pakistan back in the same coin as it has dealt us. This is all about tilting the balance of military payments in our favour. I will not, as minister, rest until we have rolled back national sentiment to the Kargil levels of exchange.

Keeping in view our enemy8217;s diminishing reserves of military capability, and our own very healthy reserves, we would have achieved a breakthrough after roughly three months of consistent exchange at current levels of ammunition trading.

Health Minister Shatrughan Sinha, addressing a meeting on good health practices: This is a very healthy country 8212; healthy in mind, body and, above all, in spirit. I, as your health minister, will try and keep it that way 8212; especially when it comes to the spirit bit. I will, therefore, urge you to keep your spirits high at all times. Here8217;s a special health tip from me: take small doses of Bagpiper Whisky excellent for spiritual rejuvenation from 3 pm onwards 8212; for as long as your spirit will carry you. Jai Hind!