‘Tired of being the one who holds everything together’: Menopause, marriage, and ‘menodivorce’ — 4 women speak out

In long-term marriages, this clarity was landing like a disruption: a change in identity, a shift in their relationships, and in extreme cases, a ‘menodivorce’, a divorce occurring during or triggered by perimenopause or menopause.

Pallavi, 49, tells indianexpress.com, “The first shift I noticed was emotional tolerance. I became less willing to explain, justify, or absorb things that drained me. Earlier, I might have smoothed over discomfort; during menopause, my emotional bandwidth shrank. At the time, I thought I was becoming ‘difficult’. Only later did I realise it was clarity, not irritability, my nervous system was demanding honesty and rest, not performance.”

When everything shifts

The term ‘menodivorce’ may sound clinical, but behind it lies a lived reality that is gaining recognition across the world. Many individuals enduring perimenopause or menopause experience such drastic changes that they begin to question their lives and their most intimate relationships. “Oftentimes, the hormonal changes and life transitions accompanying this physiological process can strain marriages or cause spouses to drift apart,” according to a report by Vice.

The data, though limited in India, hints at a pattern. Research published in ResearchGate in 2024 on marital dissolution shows the trend increasing with age: 1.04 per cent among women aged 15-24, rising to 1.42 per cent for those in the 25-34 age group, and climbing to 1.72 per cent for women 35 and older.

Older Census data analysed by demographic researcher P Dommaraju in 2016, published in the journal Population and Development Review, reveals that divorce and separation rates for Indian women peak around ages 40-44, precisely the years when perimenopause and menopause typically begin. “The age patterns seen in Figure 1 show increasing levels of divorce or separation by age for women, peaking at ages 40–44 in the most recent census,” he notes.

While the women I spoke with for this piece have not undergone divorce, they describe something more subtle and more pervasive: a recalibration of their relationships that coincides with menopause, one that brings long-buried tensions to the surface and forces both partners to face what they have been carrying in silence for years.

The invisible fracture

Dr Madhuri Vidyashankar, a consultant gynaecologist at Motherhood Hospitals, Bengaluru, explains the physiological underpinning. She explains that menopause “triggers drops in oestrogen and progesterone and androgens, which disrupts certain neurotransmitters in the brain, like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA levels in the brain, leading to mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and reduced sexual desire.”

These shifts often strain intimate relationships through emotional reactivity, lowered libido, and miscommunications, as partners may misread physiological changes as personal rejection. Dr Sakshi Mandhyan, psychologist and founder at Mandhyan Care, adds, “Sleep disturbance becomes common due to hormonal shifts affecting circadian rhythms, which further worsens emotional regulation. Rising cortisol sensitivity makes the stress response stronger and recovery slower. Biologically, the body is working harder to maintain balance, leaving fewer resources for emotional suppression or accommodation.”

Menopausal symptoms like mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and fatigue are frequently misinterpreted by partners as personality changes, midlife crises, or emotional withdrawal instead of hormonal shifts (Source: Freepik)

In her clinical practice, Dr Vidyashankar notes that 20-30 per cent of her patients raise concerns about relationship strain during perimenopause and menopause. But here’s the disconnect: while 85 per cent present with vasomotor symptoms like hot flashes and 90 per cent report physical complaints like joint pain and fatigue, the relational distress often goes unnamed, or worse, unrecognised.

“Menopausal symptoms like mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and fatigue are frequently misinterpreted by partners as personality changes, midlife crises, or emotional withdrawal instead of hormonal shifts,” Dr Vidyashankar says. “This misunderstanding leads to resentment, emotional distance, and heightened conflicts, with 29 per cent of women noting increased spousal arguments.”

She adds that nearly 50 per cent of men lack awareness about menopause altogether, which means the very language needed to navigate this transition is missing from the marital conversation.

When the buffer falls away

Puja Roy, a health psychologist and art therapist, does not see menopause as merely a hormonal phase. “Hormones matter, but psychologically, it marks a profound identity transition,” she explains. “It often arrives alongside other midlife shifts—ageing parents, children becoming independent, bodily changes, and a clearer awareness of time. Many women tell me this is when the body stops cooperating with old coping strategies like over-giving, staying quiet, or constantly adjusting.”

In therapy sessions, Roy observes a recurring theme. “I often hear some version of ‘I’m tired of being the one who holds everything together’. The fatigue many women describe is not just physical; it’s relational,” she adds.

What she sees repeatedly is that menopause does not create relationship problems; it exposes them. “Relationship conflict often intensifies during this phase: not because menopause creates problems, but because the buffers fall away. In sessions, themes of unequal emotional labour, invisibility, and chronic over-responsibility come up repeatedly,” she says.

Counselling psychologist Nandita Kalra frames it even more starkly. “In therapy, menopause almost never arrives as ‘just a biological change’. It arrives as a reckoning. Many women describe it as the moment they can no longer override themselves,” she stresses. “These women can no longer keep quiet to keep peace, stretch endlessly, or live only through roles. Their nervous system stops cooperating with chronic emotional self-erasure,” she adds.

For Kalra, menopause marks “a movement from a life organised around duty and being needed, to a life organised around dignity, choice, and self-presence. Inside long marriages, this often feels to the partner like she has changed while she feels like she has finally come back to herself”.

‘Women aren’t becoming difficult; they’re becoming more truthful’

Seethalakshmi, 37, is in the midst of perimenopause. “Looking back over the past year, I realised I would often get overwhelmed by things that would not have bothered me otherwise or lose my cool and raise my voice at my husband or child,” she says. Regular conversations with friends experiencing similar changes led her to consult her gynaecologist, where she learned these were perimenopausal symptoms.

“Before I recognised these as perimenopausal symptoms, my erratic behaviour did create some friction in my relationship,” she admits. “However, once I gained perspective and became aware of the bodily and emotional changes I was going through, it became easier to navigate them and have open conversations with my husband.”

But awareness, she notes, was key, and it is not universally accessible. “Because I had access to information, I was able to communicate with my husband and navigate this phase more smoothly. That said, I wish I had known about this earlier, especially so I could have understood what my mother might have gone through and supported her better,” she adds.

Alisha, 35, experiences her perimenopause differently. “On an emotional level. I did not find any changes with my partner. Maybe I do not bother myself with petty issues anymore? I have become more assertive, or rather confident, about how I want certain things. Basically, in plain terms, less tolerance to bullshit and more confidence to not be gaslighted or manipulated.”

Yet her partner has not quite caught up. “I did have physical and emotional changes. Emotionally, there would be times when I would get irritated out of nowhere, and this would coincide with my PMS. That was not the case earlier. Many times, I get super energetic right before my periods, and drive my partner crazy,” she says, admitting that he has yet to link it to perimenopause. “He goes with the flow, I guess. Physically, as well, there have been changes with respect to reduced libido and struggle in shedding a few kilos. This too has not been acknowledged.”

Dr Mandhyan reflects on this, stating, “Menopause is still framed as a physical transition rather than a brain and nervous system transition. As a result, emotional changes are dismissed instead of understood.”

She adds that what is often labelled as emotional instability is better understood as:

* Reduced hormonal cushioning

* Heightened stress sensitivity

* Increased emotional awareness

* A shift toward psychological authenticity.

The cost of silence

When couples lack a shared language around menopause, the consequences ripple outward. Roy observes: “One partner is undergoing a significant internal shift while the other may read the changes as moodiness, withdrawal, or rejection.”

Without language, Roy states, curiosity often gives way to defensiveness. “The woman may feel unseen; the partner may feel blamed. When this transition is not named, it is enacted through conflict, distance, or silence,” she adds.

Catalyst, not cause

Both Roy and Kalra are careful to clarify: menopause is rarely the cause of marital breakdown—it is a catalyst.

“Yes, in my work, I more often see menopause acting as a catalyst rather than a cause for separation,” says Roy. “It does not create problems so much as expose dynamics that were already present, imbalances, unmet needs, and conversations that were long postponed. As physical and emotional reserves shift, many women simply lose the capacity to keep carrying what once felt manageable,” she explains.

Kalra echoes this, adding, “It is almost always a catalyst. It does not create problems; it reveals what has been emotionally carried, ignored, or endured. For some couples, it becomes the beginning of renegotiation, deeper intimacy, and mutual respect. For others, it becomes the point at which the psyche says, ‘I cannot disappear anymore’.”

So what helps couples negotiate this phase? Roy offers a roadmap: “To avoid rupture, couples need to approach this phase as a transition rather than a crisis. That means slowing down instead of reacting, listening without trying to fix, and staying curious about what is changing internally for one partner. Naming menopause openly helps prevent changes from being personalised as rejection or failure. Renegotiation is key. Roles and expectations that worked earlier may no longer fit, and revisiting them with honesty and empathy can strengthen the relationship.”

Naming menopause openly helps prevent changes from being personalised as rejection or failure. (Source: Freepik)

Why silence compounds strain in India

In India, where both menopause and marital dissatisfaction remain culturally sensitive topics, the barriers to early intervention are formidable. Dr Vidyashankar identifies the core obstacles: “In India, cultural stigma, low awareness, and patriarchal norms create major barriers for women seeking early menopause help, often leading to untreated symptoms that erode marital satisfaction over time. Women conditioned to prioritise family duties over self-care further postpone intervention, worsening long-term outcomes.”

She also notes a significant gap in how menopause is medically addressed versus how its relational impact is acknowledged. “Yes, a significant gap exists between medical approaches to menopause, which primarily focus on physical symptoms like hot flashes and hormone therapy, and the relational impacts such as strained partnerships and intimacy loss, which receive far less attention in clinical practice,” she says.

Her prescription? “Gynaecologists should proactively educate women and couples about expected emotional and relational shifts during menopause and recommend joint counselling, and integrate partner involvement into care plans to bridge this divide,” she says.

A question of time

Kalra offers insight into why tolerance for unequal relationships drops so sharply after menopause. “Because the internal contracts change. Fear of abandonment weakens. The reflex to over-function weakens. The sense of time becomes real. Many women quietly realise, ‘If not now, then when?’ This isn’t just hormonal irritability; it is emotional clarity meeting life-stage reflection. The psyche stops consenting to arrangements that require her to disappear for love,” she explains.

Pallavi arrived at this understanding herself. For her, menopause coincided with firmer boundaries and a stronger sense of self. “I stopped over-accommodating and started naming needs without apology,” she tells indianexpress.com. While this was not always received comfortably, over time, it led to a more balanced relationship.

Seethalakshmi credits the strength of her 15-year marriage for helping her. “One factor that helped me overcome the so-called ‘self-silence’ in the midlife phase was the strength of our relationship. We are in the 15th year of our marriage and have already weathered our share of turbulence and trust-building. That foundation helped me see the family as a unit even while holding a stronger sense of self. Had this phase arrived in the first few years of our marriage, it might have been far more chaotic,” she says.

Seethalakshmi also wishes more couples had a heads-up: “A simple heads-up that this phase can feel like a roller coaster, and that safety nets help, could allow couples to explore and even embrace the ride rather than fear it.”