Thai Tide

Carla8217;s not a waitress, just a bored local who sounds like Buffalo8217;s soulmate and zeroes in on tourists. 8216;8216;Sex is colour, just look outside,8217;8217; she prompts. Bars and beautiful women in neons wink, flash, wink. 8216;8216;Hey Carlos,8217;8217; calls a Budweiser-clutching bear of a man, and Carla walks away on his arm, blowing me a kiss. It dawns on me that Thailand is, after all, the world8217;s most popular sex-change destination.

There8217;s the Shipwrecker and an Irish pub blasting Dhoom, but no Tiger yet, so I give up on the bars and hit the beach instead. The most expensive beach in Phuket, Patong8217;s 8216;nai life8217; doesn8217;t end with knock-out women on bikes and one effeminate gigolo. If you8217;re not yet bleary-eyed, amidst banners with slogans like 8216;Even tsunami cannot drown our spirits8217;, you8217;ll spot one advertising the original Elvis of Thailand, who looks like a cross between Rajesh Khanna and Bappida. You can only hope that he at least sounds like the King.

By day, the candy-striped brollies are out and suntan lotion is spreading fast. Speaking of speed, almost all 543 sq km of tsunami-ravaged Phuket was cleaned up in about two weeks. They8217;re calling their latest massive marketing campaign Andaman Sunshine.

Later, I head towards Tapu Island, or James Bond Island, on a half-hour boat ride from Phuket dock. Thanks to Roger Moore who shot for The Man With The Golden Gun and Pierce Brosnan who did a few scenes of Tomorrow Never Dies here, a regular beach with a rock structure sticking out of the sea has become a tourist hotspot.

I don8217;t even like the spy with a penchant for bimbos, but I know where to go if I8217;m overcome by an unexpected Hollywood craving in the middle of Phuket. Warner Brother Studios8217;s tiny paraphernalia store at Central Supermarket has one of my favourite heroes pasted all over tees and mugs. Agent 007 can8217;t size up to Batman.

If more basic pangs attack, God help vegetarians. I ask for some vegetarian food at the Tesco supermarket. 8216;8216;No beef, no chicken, no fish, only vegetables,8217;8217; I scream across a mountain of people who8217;ve lined up for pig knuckles or some such delicacy. And the helpful waitress replies, 8216;8216;Okay no vegetable, I give you pork.8217;8217; I walk across maybe 10 different fishy stalls, and finally settle for the only green lunch that side of town8212;vegetable salad rice. The crushed ball of fried rice with veggies and hot peanut sauce kicks in enough ammo to wage a war against carnivores.

The ultimate high, though, is space gazing. Kamala Beach in the north is still pretty battered, but there are so many empty stretches along Patong, minus the 50 baht lounge chairs, where a soul can8217;t spot you. This is where the waters talk to you. Dig that hole. Get good sun.

After dark, the charmingly predictable Buffalo, with his table of tarot cards and a thick, drippy candle, is back playing God. Of course, Carla8217;s the goddess.