Swift vs Thrift

While the overall performance of Jordan the pin-up girl has been analysed by several media commentators, we should focus instead on the performance of the racing team bought last month by the Russian-born Shnaider. He reckons one of his first priorities is to overhaul the rock-star image of his team, replacing it with an emphasis on finishing races.

Not an easy task, given their ahem track record. The Jordan outfit finished ninth out of 10 in the manufacturers8217; standings last season. They faced a major threat last September when Ford, manufacturer of the Cosworth engines used by the team, announced they were withdrawing from Formula One.

It was only when Toyota stepped into the breach, offering to provide engines, that Jordan received their lifeline.

It was not the first time the team had fought off an engine crisis. Back in 2001, when they were still owned by Irishman Eddie Jordan, they sacked established driver Heinz-Harald Frentzen and replaced him, to universal astonishment, with Takuma Sato.

Only recently did Eddie Jordan reveal the extent of the deal-making, which dictated that the team would obtain Honda engines if Sato was given the gig. Sato was never going to win a knighthood at Buckingham Palace 8212; probably a good thing because we would have seen absurd headlines like 8216;8216;Sato-day knight fever8217;8217;.

But the incident just goes to show how some F1 teams at the bottom of the food chain must make compromises in order to survive.

The vast difference between the teams8217; operational budgets is startling. Ferrari have 400 million to sustain their efforts, while an outfit like Minardi, with an estimated 40 million in their coffers, are defined by their owner, Paul Stoddart, as 8216;8216;experts at survival.8217;8217;

Like the many hopefuls who featured on Mark Burnett8217;s hit reality television series Survivor, the lesser lights on the F1 circuit are prepared to risk all in order to outwit, outlast and outplay.

The mind games have already begun. According to the bosses of the Williams team, David Coulthard 8212; with 13 Grand Prix victories, but now driving for Red Bull 8212; could be the surprise package of the 2005 season. 8216;8216;The Red Bull car is quick, they are not to be laughed at,8217;8217; said Frank Williams himself. 8216;8216;They8217;re going to bite a few aes.8217;8217;

At Toyota, represented by Ralf Schumacher and Jano Trulli, there is much to prove in Melbourne and throughout the season. This is Toyota8217;s fourth season but puzzlingly, in a team well endowed with engineering depth and cold, hard cash, there is no silverware on the shelf. Unless they finish in the top five, their drivers could be lured elsewhere.

At Ferrari, there is quiet confidence in Michael Schumacher, Rubens Barrichello and the engineering of their cars. Michael Schumacher won 13 of the 18 races in 2004 and has won seven world titles, while Ferrari have topped the team standings since 1999.

8216;8216;No one has fallen asleep over these past months8217;8217;, said Ferrari president Luca di Montezemolo. 8216;8216;After six world championships our target is to remain there. We know in sport you cannot always win and the time will come, but we want to stay at the top.8217;8217;

But BAR8217;s Jenson Button, who finished third in the overall standings last season, is talking turkey. 8216;8216;My goal,8217;8217; he said, 8216;8216;is to stand on top of the podium and look down on Michael.8217;8217; Is he serious? For sure he is. When asked who would be the best F1 driver if everyone was at the wheel of a Ferrari, he replied: 8216;8216;I8217;d say myself.8217;8217; There8217;s more psychology in all of this than even Sigmund Freud could have coped with.

Me, I8217;m just going to ask the vividly yellow Jordan team if they have any mechanics called Marie. If the answer8217;s yes, I can teach them the lyrics to the old Beatles classic.

We all live in a yellow sump, Marie.

David McMahon would not recognize Jordan the pin-up girl if he bumped into her. His first novel, 8216;Vegemite Vindaloo8217;, is due out soon.