Notice something about the Bihar elections? It has become National Pastime Number 1. The present elections — results for which will come in on Tuesday — may not get Bihar another government (and who cares about that anyway?), but they have certainly helped stir that pot of clotted cream known as national ennui. I mean, how long can we be fixated on the occasional bomb blast or Abu Salem’s striped T-shirts? When saas-bahu serials appear as stale as Diwali mithai and Kaun Banega Crorepati has got the re-runs, what cunning back-up plan have we collectively devised to keep ourselves from dropping dead with boredom? What is the perennial fix our substance-abused system craves for? EIB, or Elections In Bihar, that’s what. We are a nation of EIB junkies, let’s face it. It has proved more addictive than snorting cocaine or popping an Ecstasy pill. We’ve already had it running for a year, and with some luck — I mean if they understand and respond to this secret craving India has for its regular doses of EIB — Bihar’s voters will ensure that we’ll get another state election in six months’ time.Notice another thing about the Bihar elections? Never have we in 55 years of democracy witnessed such an avalanche of promises made to the citizens of a state. Everybody who is somebody has, it seems, made a special promise to Bihar. At this rate, instead of remaining the national basket case, it could prove to be our most promising state yet.What Laloo promised: We will light up Bihar like a Christmas tree because we have a friendly government at the Centre.What he meant: You’ll get Rabri for breakfast, lunch and dinner, all you lucky people out there.What Nitish promised: We will put an end to 15 years of Yadav misgovernance.What he meant: And replace them with 15 years of Kurmi-Koeri misgovernance.What Paswan promised: We will give you a secular paradise and a Muslim chief minister.What he meant: Whatever, as long as I get to rule Bihar by proxy.What the Election Commission promised: We will ensure a crime-free election.What it meant: We will ensure a voter-free election.What Sonia Gandhi promised: We will give you development and easy loans.What she meant: Take whatever you want, just ensure that my government at the Centre remains undisturbed.What L K Advani promised: We will put an end to Jungle Raj.What he meant: Jinnah rocks.What psephologists promised: We will tell you today, who will rule you tomorrow.What they meant: We play this mug’s game just for the ad revenue, you understand, right?What Uma Bharati promised: We will put an end to Jungle Raj in Bihar.What she meant: We must put an end to Jungle Raj in Madhya Pradesh.What Rabri Devi promised: We will give you another five years of looking after the people.What she meant: We will get five give more years to look after our family (not forgetting our brothers and our 45 bains).What Arun Jaitley promised: We will put an end to Laloo’s Jungle Raj.What he meant: And, hopefully, this will get me the presidentship of the party.What Sushma Swaraj promised: We will help brothers and sisters who have suffered under Laloo’s Jungle Raj.What she meant: And, hopefully, this will get me the presidentship of the party (that Jaitleyji, hai, gets to make all the soundbites).What George Fernandes promised: We will uproot Laloo Raj and Sonia Raj.What he meant: Wish I could uproot Nitish as well.What Naxalites promised: We will deliver you from the tyrannical rule of capitalists, the running dogs of imperialism and the exploiters of the toiling masses.What they meant: We will give your some explosive times — landmines or hand grenades? You choose.What the mafia promised: We will deliver Bihar from crime and criminals.What they meant: In your dreams.
