Saving Private Rayanna

8220;Because, of course, we8217;re going to introduce a whole lot of improvements. I8217;m a perfectionist. You think I8217;m going to be satisfied with all that dry, laconic Captain Miller stuff! Fillum-art is in my blood I won8217;t miss a trick!8221;

Innocently I asked: 8220;For example?8221;

8220;Dekhiye-ji, when Captain Miller8217;s search group, risking their lives every hour, finally locate Private Ryan behind enemy lines, and ask him to come home to his mother because all his three brothers have recently died in combat, he flatly refuses to desert the only brothers I have left8217;, his comrades at their desperate post behind enemy lines. No way I8217;m going to desert them,8217; he says, and jumps back into his dugout. Now what?

Confrontation? Drama? Rhetoric? Now nothing!Captain Miller goes into a silent pow-pow with his conscience. Doesn8217;t speak a word. Just nods to himself dumbly as though Private Ryan has just taught him a big lesson in comradeship. Sometime later, an old gramophone fills the rural air with a French love-song.

8220;Spielberg8217;s a great director and, alright, he8217;s got the Oscar again but what a chance he missed here. Well, I8217;m going to bring the drama and the song together. That lyric-debate is written by my niece, incidentally. Gut-wrenching stuff. We8217;ll have a spectacular song-and-dance with a 200-piece orchestra, 55 jawans my lucky number, 21 army nurses my niece8217;s lucky number and seven tanks my wife8217;s lucky number. And of course, it drizzles and Urmila and the other nurses get clinging wet. That big thundering song will really drive our moral home.8221;

8220;What moral exactly?8221; I was curious.

8220;Ah! My happiest inspiration 8212; who do you think are Rayanna8217;s buddies in the dug-out 8212; you8217;ll never guess! Rahman, nicknamed Rummy, and Arthur Gonsalves,nicknamed8230;.8221;

8220;But why not have a Bengali Muslim, and a Punjabi Christian with Coorg Hindu Rayanna 8212; that would cover the gamut nicely.8221;

He looked worried: 8220;Maybe Dalit MPs will object, OBC8217;s may want representation!8221;

8220;And suppose women demand 33 per cent?8221;

8220;Delighted!8221; giggled the Great Producer. 8220;So long as they don8217;t object to micro-minis 8212; and rain. Hey Ashok, what8217;s the weather like in Siachen?8221; he asked someone. 8220;Find out, dammit 8212; this film8217;s got to be a landmark in gritty realism.8221;

8220;And that8217;s not all,8221; he asserted, 8220;I don8217;t like to criticise publicly my senior bhais in the industry, but there8217;s a big lacuna in Spielberg8217;s Ryan can you guess what?8221;

8220;No duets?8221; I asked, 8220;No Govinda filling out his fatigues?8221;The Big Man paused dramatically. 8220;No bloody villain! How can you have drama without villains, you-tell-me. So we8217;ll have two. They8217;re together smuggling drugs through the lines. And killing honest, patriotic jawans.8221;

8220;Only two?8221; I was unimpressed. 8220;Yourmother-in-law8217;s lucky number?8221;

8220;Kaafi hai,8221; said GP. 8220;Here nobody8217;ll press for women or OBC representation. And also, we shouldn8217;t lay it on too thick, na, like in some masala movies 8212; a Don goes about singing 8220;Mai hoon Don8221; at the top of his voice. You8217;ll never find such crude stuff in my picture 8212; all we hear is the villains8217; whispered password: Jai Jawan, Jai Kisan; Jai Haji Mastaan. That8217;s the only clue! We8217;ve got to be subtle 8212; if we want to be considered for the Academy awards.8221;