England sharpening their knives for the Aussies before Ashes

Ever since a wobbly David Warner threw a glancing punch at Joe Root inside the confines of Walkabout,the otherwise indistinct Australian-themed bar hasn8217;t just become the talk of the Brummies,but the singular focus of Britain itself. The pub itself has cashed in on the free advertisement,charging 10 for entry. Many are even turned away at the door once it brims up,mainly with cricket fans from around England and journalists from around the cricketing world,both snooping around in search of different bites. The Bulldog,however,looks like he8217;s having none of it.

As the cameras start recording,he mumbles under his breath and fishes for an object inside the giant-sized pockets of his trousers. The cameramen shuffle uneasily. What is he searching for,they wonder. A taser,a gun even? The Bulldog pulls out a mobile phone and punches in a number of choice. A moment after it connects,he barks into its speaker. 8220;Look Mama,I8217;m on the TV again!8221; he says,going soft as a marshmallow. 8220;Why?8221; he continues. 8220;I don8217;t know why. Something to do with cricket and dust and ashes. Whatever it may be,it sure is big!8221;

Big,it sure is. For the first time in a long,long while,England,and not Australia,are going into an Ashes as the overwhelming favourites to retain the urn. This,coupled with the fact that this is the biggest Ashes year in four decades with back-to-back,home-and-away Test series scheduled over the next 10 months or so has ensured that the upcoming summer in England has had an unprecedented build-up.

Whether it was former England captain David Gower,usually refined,unusually ushering in the tattle before the battle by pointing out that it couldn8217;t be a clash of cultures since Australia had none or Andrew Flintoff explaining cricket to Jennifer Lopez 8220;It lasts five days,we break every now and then for food and spend a lot of time rubbing our balls on our trousers8221; on the ever-so-British 8216;Graham Norton Show8217; in an attempt to further widen the reach of the Ashes8217; global audience,the drum beating for a special season ahead had reached tipping point.

Then it tipped over in the early hours of Sunday morning in a pub,hours after England and Australia had met each other in the Champions Trophy,the first of 26 meetings this year. Australia had punched above their weight on the field and lost. Warner had punched below his weight off the field and barely connected. And this Ashes,the 67th edition of the 131-year-old tournament,for pretty much everyone concerned began right there. Between barstools,wooden tables and a few broken vodka glasses in a dingy bar.

Walkabout is nestled between a canal Gold Coast Terrace,the door to it says and Broad Street the Outback,says another door hanging. Here,men who call each other 8216;mate8217; are served drinks such as 8216;Sex On Bondi Beach8217; by giggly girls from behind the beer counter. On the TV,between innings in a cricket match,Sky Sports,the host broadcaster,advertises for the first Ashes Test in Nottingham,beginning on July 10. It is a three-minute montage of moments from past contests,edited perhaps by an Englishman.

In it,the Aussie players are only shown sulking or crying or getting bowled or getting thwacked for boundaries. The England team,on the other hand,laugh and hoorah and make merry and celebrate wickets and take outstanding catches and generally wave the urn around. Cricket writer Lawrence Booth,editor of the last two editions of Wisden Cricketers8217; Almanack,cannot conceal his smile every time the advert is played. And it is played rather often.

8220;It reflects the current mood,doesn8217;t it?8221; says Booth. 8220;Now here we are,wondering if the current Australian team is actually as dreadful as the England teams from the late 8217;80s and the 8217;90s.8221; Booth,38,knows what he is talking about. Having spent his life watching,and then writing about,an England team that couldn8217;t come within a country mile of winning the urn in nine attempts between 1987 and 2004,Booth is a little overwhelmed to now witness a complete turnaround. The mighty Aussies,those once manly beasts with missing buttons and chest hair,have now forgotten to win.

8220;It is a bit unsettling,to be honest. Winning,and now so often,doesn8217;t sit well with our psyche. Leading up to every single Ashes before 2005,we felt the dread of yet another inevitable thrashing. We were beaten so often then by the Aussies that we all grew thick skins. Losing didn8217;t hurt too much then. But now,when England go in as favourites,we still tend to take it with a pinch of skepticism,8221; says Booth.

8220;I8217;ll tell you why I don8217;t think it is going to be as one-sided as many people claim. The last time the Australian cricket team was written off before a tour of England was in 1989. It was the weakest Australian side to tour for years and everyone expected them to roll over and die,8221; he says. 8220;They won 4-0.8221;

But this time,even Booth concedes,things look a little different. The optimism in the air is not just due to a mentally stronger England side but also because the Australians appear really inept. With or without Michael Clarke. 8220;The British press smirked during the Homeworkgate and the 4-0 loss they suffered in India. And then they publicly laughed in their face when they were bowled out for 65 in Cardiff in the Champions Trophy warm-ups,once again versus the Indians,8221; says a jolly Booth. 8220;The press here had been sharpening their knives all winter long. Now as the summer begins,they are plunging it in with glee.8221;

None have spent their waking hours waiting to stick the proverbial knife in more than Paul Burnham,the co-founder of the Barmy Army. For a little over two decades now,Burnham and his army of English cricket supporters have travelled to Australia to witness horrors on the field and have learned to live with it. He and his fellow fans have been booed in Brisbane,mocked in Melbourne and have felt the snide of Sydney. But throughout,Burnham stuck to his singular motto: For better or worse and during losses and wins,the Army will always cheer England on.

8220;Usually and specifically in Australia,we lost more than we ever won and it was always worse than it was better. But we sang for our boys and heartily praised them or their efforts between overs,8221; says Burnham. 8220;On our unconditional support,you could bet your bottom pound on. And the boys wearing the Three Lions emblem on the field absolutely loved it.8221;

But not everybody did. On the tour of Australia in 1994,England lost 3-1. However,passers-by who didn8217;t care enough to know the score,Burnham claims,would have thought England were dominating Australia. 8220;Such was our presence. Chanting in stadiums is in our culture. Go to any football club in England and we have songs for each player. But what would the Aussies know. When they get together in a ground,they squeal like little girls who had their Barbie snatched away. Their press labelled us an army of barmies during the Adelaide Test.8221;

The name was born and so was their clan. And for years in their wedlock to their cricket team,they returned fire on the field with mostly hilarious and sometimes borderline derogatory chants about the individuals under the baggy green. 8220;It has all been in humour and never do we cross the spirit of the game. I mean,come on,how can Mitchell Johnson show that head of hair in public and get away with it,8221; he chuckles. And has the Army come up with a few for David Warner? 8220;Oh yes. A few,8221; Burnham says. They are going to be rather special. I can sing the first verse now,but it will be a whole lot more fun when 10,000 of us and Billy the Trumpet get at it in Nottingham.8221;

So,if England8217;s dominance only grows over the years,will we ever see the Army relenting in their taunts? 8220;Never,8221; he shoots back. 8220;In all seriousness,this,what we do,is all just fun and games. But what that Warner lad did really crossed the line. I mean,this is sport isn8217;t it? Who goes around punching players from the opposition at 3 am in the morning just because they lost? And if you do,then at least learn to connect!8221;

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A theory doing the rounds is that the bar bust-up was caused by a fake beard worn by Joe Root,one that is rumoured to closely resemble Hashim Amla8217;s. But one man who doesn8217;t buy it is the cricket fanatic and stand-up comedian Andy Zaltzman. Zaltzman,who combines comedy and cricket and is currently preparing for a few shows around England,has just received plenty of material. He perhaps is slipping in a preview when he says: 8220;I don8217;t think Root was copying Amla at all. No. I really believe that the beard he wore was to channelise the spirit of a 1981 Ian Botham.

8220;You see,in that universe-changing Headingley Test,there were four men who were bearded and deadly. It was either that for inspiration or the babyfaced Root wore the beard to get entrance into a bar in the first place,8221; says Zaltzman,who has cleared up the schedule over the next couple of months to plant himself in front of the telly,watching the cricket with his good luck charm,a woolen WG Grace doll.

8220;I wouldn8217;t completely rule the Aussies out yet,8221; says Zaltzman. 8220;But if Michael Clarke is not fit and Australia play the Ashes without him,I get a feeling that it will take a real miracle for them to beat an inanimate WG Grace doll,let alone the strongest England side since the real WG played himself.8221;