Poor politics

If only politicians played cricket, they'd be so much more entertaining to watch. Willingly suspend your disbelief, and imagine, if you woul...

If only politicians played cricket, they’d be so much more entertaining to watch. Willingly suspend your disbelief, and imagine, if you would for a moment, Sonia Gandhi at the batting crease (Sitaram Kesri’s her partner) taking guard against Atalji with L.K.Advani at silly point, I.K.Gujral in the slips and George Fernandes behind the stumps. Mamata Bannerjee’s patrolling the deep at third man…Atalji bowls, Sonia stoutly defends but can’t read the wrong ‘un which swerves past her bat, eludes Fernandes gloves and Gujral’s Doctrine, sorry hands, on its journey to the fence. Mamata, Gujral, Advani and Fernandes pursue the ball, Mamata picks up and throws in, leaving the three men on a collision course with the ad hoardings and each other…it’s a direct hit and Kesri is run out tripping over his dhoti as he flings himself and his bat towards the safety of the batting crease. Atalji is dejected because it’s Kesri who’s returning to the pavilion and not the first Italian woman cricketer in history!

Thisfantastic scenario may be rather pathetic after the Indian cricket team’s Dhaka Dusk Delight (DD1), but it is a whole sight more interesting than watching our politicians speaking on TV. Boring’ is too polite a word, dull’ too short to describe their lengthy appearances. All of them, particularly the big guns, need to take classes in the art of speaking less and saying more.

Did someone say that television isn’t meant to educate you about the issues before the nation? Maybe. So far, if you have learnt anything about the views of political parties on anything, you must be psychic; or else, you haven’t been watching TV. But why can’t we break the rules, tonight and throughout this campaign? Instead of talking about Bofors, Sonia, Babri Masjid, party alliances, misalliances, defections…why can’t politicians be made to talk about bomb blasts, primary health, literacy?

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If they and those who question them, had heard Amartya Sen (Zee Business Show) on these subjects, they’d have realised the importance of reading, writing and health care; India, he said, is the only country that is approaching the next century without any significant efforts in social development. Dangerous isn’t the word for it.

But nobody wants to discuss dangerous liaisons; instead, the Prime Minister spends his air time generously praising his own foreign policy and being commended for his unique contribution by the very panel of experts which is supposedly questioning him (DD1, Wednesday)! Or we have Rajesh Pilot and George Fernandes starring in Tu Tu Main Main (Election ’98, The Choice, DD1 Wednesday): Pilot: you didn’t do anything about Bofors in 1989; Fernandes: yes we did; no you didn’t, yes we did….

Chandan Mitra at least tried to humiliate Sitaram Kesri into impropriety (STAR Watch Centrestage, STAR Plus). One magazine called you the villain’ of the piece and in a poll only 2 per cent (or some such) voted for you as their choice for Prime Minister, he said. I am just a common man, replied Kesri and launched into a son-of-the soil speech. Oh, he was entertaining alright, laughing about Bofors, dismissing Mamata as a “nobody”; but don’t you expect a little more substance from the President of the Congress Party?

Perhaps we should unleash the American press and TV on Indian politicians. No sooner was Intern-gate on the Internet, than NBC, CNN were all over the story and the White House. Poor President Clinton: journalists, legal experts and the public came together to sniff at his dirty linen as if it were a new perfume. Did he have sexual encounters of the improper kind? Anyway, what’s proper or improper? Did he touch her, did she touch him? Did he buy her gifts…so what if he did, he likes giving guys ties, yes but a dress? He should get a new attorney, he should keep his mouth shut, he should tell the truth…and meanwhile, did Starr Tripp Lewinsky to Intern Bill? It’s Sex, lies and videotape with the most powerful man in the world and the American television networks are loving it. Their ratings are likely to go up with every fumble, er, statement Clinton makes.

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One moment they’ve convicted the President and waved goodbye to his Presidency, the next they’ve crucified the independent prosecutor and the third they’re destroying Monica’s reputation or rubishing Tripp’s. The fact that the facts haven’t actually been revealed, doesn’t bother them a whit. Unlike in Princess Di’s case, they’re here to bury public figures not praise them.