No smoke, no fire

In the good old days, the scourge of society was the terrorist Carlos or One-Eyed Jack. These days, the smoker is his modern-day counterpart...

In the good old days, the scourge of society was the terrorist Carlos or One-Eyed Jack. These days, the smoker is his modern-day counterpart. He has more kills to his credit than the real Carlos. And worse, he is at loose. Imagine hundreds of Carlos in the streets of the world, puffing away, killing themselves like suicide bombers and killing others with their deadly smoke.

But there are people ready to bail smokers out.

According to a survey by the University of Arizona, smoking helps get rid of cancer. In tests done among males above 50, children below 12, and women over 70, it was found that smoking could not be the only cause of cancer. There could be other causes too.

When the respondents were asked whether they had cancer despite the fact that they were not smoking, 50 per cent agreed. Others said this was privileged information. But now researchers are wondering how those suffering from cancer had nothing to do with cancer. 8216;8216;Hoax,8217;8217; screamed the cancer society. Some others were more direct, alleging that cigarette manufacturers were behind it all.

A fresh survey revealed that those who smoked believed they had cancer but had no way to prove it. Despite manufactures displaying huge advertisements stating that smoking kills, causes cancer, could cause instant death, could lead to temporary insanity, partial blindness and deafness, those who smoked said they were getting regular check-ups done to find out why they were not suffering from any of these diseases.

A cigarette manufacturer who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, 8216;8216;Our job is to make cigarettes so that they are a health hazard. If they do not do their job, we can only blame it on a manufacturing defect.8217;8217;

With these revelations, the WWUTOS 8212; World Will Unleash Terror on Smokers 8212; has decided to deny smokers their basic rights. In the queue for any commodity, the smoker would always be the last one to be served. Non-smoking restaurants would be instructed not to serve smokers who have quit in the last five years. In any commercial aircraft, a list of 8216;8216;no-flight8217;8217; passengers would be created to include those who had smoked in the past ten years. Special sniffer dogs and smoke detectors would be installed at all airports to make sure that any form of tobacco was not carried. Interpol would regularly issue a list of 8216;8216;Most Wanted Smokers8217;8217; every month, and their names would be publicised and put up on the Net.

Western allies would compel Bush to declare another war, this time against smokers. Smoking would be a punishable offence. In Pakistan, smokers would be publicly flogged; in Saudi Arabia, the cigarette-holding fingers would be cut off; in the US, smokers would have to spend the rest of their lives in Guatemala Bay, handcuffed and chained.

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While reports of torture in Camp X Ray of terrorists and others could be publicised, reports of torture of smokers would be classified. Media could be hauled up under the Official Treason Without Reason Act.

Cigarette manufacturers would be encouraged to take up other less harmful businesses like narcotics, gun-running and providing a good network for Al Qaeda.

But would anyone listen? Amnesty International, that lists details of smokers atrocities against non-smokers, revealed that global consumption of cigarettes is matching the global economic growth at 8 per cent.