Now that we have survived Nostradamus, the doomsday Y2k Internet prediction of the year 2000 and even Modi of Gujarat fame, what awaits us in the Year of the Lord 2003 that starts barely 48 hours from now?My interview with well-known publisher Ameer Gain dated December 28, 2003, offers some light. ‘‘It’s been a year of change here,’’ said Gain, ‘‘and finally, we have convinced everyone that mediocrity has come to stay. For years newspapers complained about TV giving us competition, we were the only ones who realised that ultimately to compete with the idiot box which is TV, we need to bring in moronic levels to journalism. So we hired idiots as editors, we offered comments on page one and basically we realised that we should change our target audience to the age group of 9 to 13.’’Having just broken the frontiers of time and space I realised I had not caught up with the latest events. ‘‘Why is the Gujarat government asking for more funds for the Navy?’’‘‘You know,’’ said Gain, ‘‘after the Gujarat victory, hailed as a blow to Mian Musharraf, Modi purchased three aircraft carriers — INS Godhra I, II and III — pursued the hot pursuit idea, chasing fishermen of Muslim origin along the Gujarat coastline, and threatened to attack Karachi port..’’‘‘Look we needed Modi because it would keep us going as a nation particularly after the pullout from the World Cup’’I quickly rushed to Jagmohan Dalmia. ‘‘Yes we pulled out because we insisted that speedsters like Bond, Shoaib Akhtar and others should bowl with a tennis ball or underarm or at less than 50 km per hour. We demanded that because 60 per cent of the sponsors are from India and if Indians lose, none in India will watch and then sponsors would withdraw from the World Cup.’’‘‘How come the ICC did not succumb to this pressure?’’ I asked.‘‘They told us to fly a kite, which mind you we are good at. Finally we pleaded with them at least to put a running scroll when Indian batsmen face bouncers that ‘the following visuals may be disturbing’, sponsored by a pain balm company. Even that they refused.’’‘‘But this is nothing compared to the plight of our former PMs..’’I rushed to a former PM who was busy studying a huge file which had only invitation cards.‘‘Hey what’s you problem?’’ I asked.‘‘At an emergency meeting of the five of us, we realised that none of us was invited by any editor for any wedding of their siblings. After the contribution we have made to the country, we thought this was shameful. In one wedding last year, the Prime Minister actually told Russian leader Putin, then on a State visit, that his entire Cabinet is waiting for him at a wedding. The Prime Minister has agreed that it is now mandatory for all editors to invite us for weddings connected with the Family. We have asked the SPG to set up a marriage invitation bureau.’’This was topsy turvy! I looked at the front page of a newspaper which said Page 3. Obviously page three had finally become page one. I turned to page one, which was on page three.Finally when I was transported back to December 28, 2002, I realised that far from being dull and boring, the era of mediocrity could turn out to be exciting after all. Happy New Year!
