Cola as karma

This, of course, is just a hunch, but if the cola czars could have it their way, they would reinvent the human body and create a being, comp...

This, of course, is just a hunch, but if the cola czars could have it their way, they would reinvent the human body and create a being, comprising just a mouth, two kidneys, with perhaps a bladder thrown in. A being that is built like a sponge to soak up litre upon litre of a brownish, sweetish, cold-ish, gaseous libation which has, probably, done more business around the globe than any other consumable. Certainly, they would have no use for a distracting organ like the human brain, apart from its capacity to beam messages every five seconds which go: More cola, more cola. Eat cola, sleep cola, drink only cola.

But since this lot cannot create such a creature, they do the next best thing 8212; they invest a great deal of time, effort and money to reinvent the emerging generation, the next generation, the now generation. And how. A generation for whom the sum of human happiness boils down to collecting cola bottle caps and exchanging them for a tattoo. This is just a hunch, of course, but going bypresent trends, an examination paper for the Tenth Standard Board Examinations in the year 2020 should go something like this:

I. Which is the greatest invention created by human endeavour:

a The wheel, a circular frame turning on an axle, which made the transportation of objects and people more efficient?

b The computer, a machine that can store and transmit complex data electronically?

c The cola, the drink the world guzzles by the gallon?

II. What is the single most important liquid necessary for human life:

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a Blood, a red-coloured oxygenating fluid, circulating in the human body?

b Water, a transparent liquid comprising two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen?

c Cola, a coffee-hued carbonated drink, that causes human beings to burp fast and furiously?

III. Which of the following do you consider the greatest achievement of the modern era:

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a Tenzing Norgay8217;s and Edmund Hillary8217;s conquest of Mount Everest?

b Olga Korbut8217;s backflip on the beam in the 1972 Olympics?

c Theability to sell 80,000 litres of cola every year in Burkina Faso?

IV. Which, according to you, was the defining moment in modern history:

a The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in June 1914?

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b Astronaut Neil Armstrong8217;s landing on the moon in 1969?

c The discovery that a cola with burgers and French fries makes the perfect meal.

V. Which of these great wars has put its stamp on the 20th century:

a The First World War, that brought all the Great Powers of the period into the theatre of conflict?

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b The Second World War, which saw the rise and fall of the Third Reich?

c The marketing battles between Coca-Cola and Pepsi now raging in an estimated 150 nations around the world?

VI. Which of the following sayings have most affected human consciousness in this century:

a Martin Luther King8217;s 8220;I have a dream8221;.

b V.I. Lenin8217;s 8220;All power to the Soviets8221;.

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c Pepsi Cola8217;s 8220;Generation NeXt8221; and Coca-Cola8217;s 8220;The Real Thing8221;.

VII. Which of the following is the most beautifulobject known to humankind:

a The erotic sculpture of Khajuraho?

b Michalangelo8217;s David8217;?

c The sculpted contours of a cola bottle?

VIII. Who is the greatest Indian of the modern era:

a Mahatma Gandhi, father of the nation and prophet of non-violence?

b Rabindranath Tagore, liberal humanist, poet and seer?

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c Sachin Tendulkar, presently on a five-year Pepsi contract worth an estimated Rs 80 lakh per year and winner of Coca-Cola8217;s special award worth Pound 20,000 for his batting performance in the Coca-Cola Cup?

GRADES: The Top of the Class8217; award goes to all those who polled option C8217; six or more times. They may, on presentation of their answer sheets along with 10 cola crowns, pick up their certificates, and help themselves to a chilled cola and a complimentary tattoo. Congratulations to the winners.