Bonding for the new millennium

Anyone who thought that kitty parties, coffee mornings or monthly evening get-togethers were exclusively female-oriented events, needs to think again. For much competition has emerged, in Pune at least, from men who have felt the need for similar dos.

The result – friendship or affinity circles that have mushroomed in Pune and number close to half a dozen right now. Where it’s the husbands who meet regularly once a month for drinks, dinner and heart-to-heart chat sessions, far removed from the watchful eyes or interferences of the wives.

“Not only are wives strictly barred from get-togethers, even uttering the word `wife’ is akin to a criminal offense in our group during these nights out,” grins Rajesh Choudhary, architect and builder. Choudhary and six of his childhood friends formed a group about eight years ago. “All of us used to live near each other in the Prabhat Road area as kids, but once we grew up and branched out into different professions, we drifted to different parts of the city. We would talk on the phone but just could not get around to meeting for months together. Thus eight years ago seven of us got together and formed this group and decided to make it a point to meet on the first Saturday of the month.” A date they zealously keep, come hell or high water. “Even our holidays are planned keeping in mind this first Saturday of every month when Rajesh simply has to be in town,” adds wife Sonia.

“There has to be a serious reason for one of us to miss this monthly get together – like an earthquake or floods,” reiterates Vishwas Deshmukh who belongs to a similar group of 10 close friends. All of them are engineering graduates from the College of Engineering, Pune, class of 1974. They began this association in 1991 to keep in touch regularly. And like Choudhary’s group, this one too has barred wives from their monthly get-togethers. “This despite the fact that our monthly get-togethers on first Saturday of the month are held in Camp at the Ladies Club!” adds a smiling Deshmukh.

Choudhary and his club-mates meet near the medical shop at Prabhat Road, a favourite meeting place in their childhood. After which it’s off to a restaurant for drinks and dinner followed by late night coffee in any of the coffee shops in the city. “We pool in Rs. 1500, which tides us over for two or three months,” supplements Bhaskar Shetty, a member.

So what is it about these get-togethers that necessitates the exclusion of the wives? “With ladies around you have to mind your language. There is no bar on the jokes or on timings kept. In fact it’s almost 3 a.m by the time we wind up and few of us are sober by then. All this works out better without the wives,” explains Choudhary. “Also there are certain topics that you can discuss only with friends and help us to get things off our chests,” says Deshmukh, adding, that while some of the wives did seem to resent it initially, with time they realised that the sessions make the men better husbands in the long run. “One, they work as effective stress relieving sessions. Second, all of us ensure that we take the family out for short holidays or weekend trips with the same regularity, to avoid resentment,” adds Choudhary.

In some cases the wives have actually expressed a desire to be left out. Like in Shekhar Bhonagiri’s group of lawyer friends that also meets once a month. “Here they are men from the same profession with common interests. That’s fine. So why should the wives be forced to be a part of the group and try and get along with each other?” reasons his wife Reena. “I have no problems about cooking for his group every time he’s the host, but prefer being left out. In fact that is the time I get an opportunity to catch up with my reading or other pending work.”

But it’s not just shop talk that dominates the lawyer’s get-togethers. There is a lot of jamming with almost all of them fond of either singing or playing an instrument. Plus Bhonagiri is also part of an affinity group that is slightly different from the others in town. Here childhood friends belonging to both the sexes meet every month to catch up with each other’s activities. “But the common angle is that we meet minus our respective spouses,” adds Shekhar.

Comprising five friends, these meetings see each one choosing a topic he or she likes and holding forth on it with active participation from the others. “One guy talked on Deepak Chopra’s books. I am fascinated by words and so talked on the etymology of words and so on. In a regular party most conversations have no depth. So our kind of get-togethers give us a tremendous sense of exchange.”

Most of the affinity group members are convinced about the indispensability of these monthly meetings in their lives. “This one session recharges your batteries for the rest of the month ahead. Along with providing that vital ingredient so indispensable in today’s marriages – space,” avers Shetty.

However, even the suggestion of the meetings being akin to the women’s kitty parties is enough to make them bristle. Is it that when women meet together it’s a kitty party, but when men do so, it’s an affinity circle? “It’s wrong to compare these get-togethers with kitty parties as we do not have any kind of cash transactions,” emphasises Deshmukh, adding,“and they are not gossip sessions either. In fact we consciously refrain from discussing any member who is not present for a session. It’s just a very convenient, welcome and relaxing way to be with friends you want to be in touch with throughout your life. That’s it.” Ah-men!