Bofors getting you down? Call in the Jamaican Police

To clinch my argument, let us consider the fascinating twists and turns in the Bob Woolmer tragedy. Woolmer, as you know, was found dead in his hotel room on March 18. It took the Jamaica Constabulary Force three months to conclude what another force may have concluded in a day or two. But that8217;s if it was merely a good police force. The Jamaica Constabulary Force is, however, a great police force. And a great police force leaves no clue, no evidence, no wisp of a doubt, uninvestigated. So great a police team is the Jamaica Constabulary Force, in fact, that it released poor Woolmer8217;s body only 40 days after it was first discovered and after every body-part was subjected to not just toxicological, but histological, analyses.

Further, the hallmark of a great police force, as opposed to a merely good police force, is that it jumps immediately to a conclusion. Therefore, some hours after the death, a deputy commissioner was waxing eloquent on how Woolmer had been murdered: 8220;Bob,8221; he had observed, 8220;was a large man. It would have taken some significant force to subdue him and cause strangulation.8221; He then appealed to the killers to turn themselves in. Since the killers did not turn themselves in as instructed, everybody became a potential killer. From the cleaning lady, to stray media interviewers, to Pakistani cricketers. Every one of the Pakistani team was duly interviewed, finger-printed and sent home with the firm admonition that they may be required back in Kingston for further questioning.

A great police force collects every bit of stray evidence. The Jamaican force immediately seized all hotel records, closed circuit television footage, rugs, champagne bottles and other personal effects of the dead man and subjected each item to the attentions of its powerful scanner. Before long, the champagne bottles emerged as the villains of the piece. The champagne could have, it was darkly suggested, been spiked with a weed-killer. So the needle of suspicion then swung to the person who had presented Woolmer a beer-drinking man, please note those suspicious bottles. The rugs too had their tale to tell. Initial inspections revealed that they bore traces of a rare poison, aconite.

Above all, a great police force is media-savvy. Not only did the cops from Jamaica emerge as TV8217;s great stars in their own right, not afraid to confront the cameras of the world, they took every media story, every chatshow observation, every newspaper 8220;investigation8221; so seriously that they were even prepared to adapt their de-construction of the crime to accommodate any startling new evidence that emerged from Kingston8217;s market gossip. Was it the shower head that killed him in, or was it a 8220;crime of passion8221;? Was it a killer interviewer who did him in, or the betting syndicate? The possibilities for a great police force are, of course, endless.

The world needs to acknowledge and applaud the Jamaican Constabulary Force8217;s exemplary pursuit of the truth that went well beyond the call of duty. As for India, it needs to put them on the Bofors job. Pronto.