Oval Office: George Dubya Bush, President of the United States and Condoleezza Rice, his National Security Advisor.BUSH: Come in Condi! Anything new happenin’ in the world?RICE: Well, the FBI just told me that that that fellow Osama bin Laden is planning another video.BUSH: Who he?RICE: Well, Hu is the president of Red China.BUSH: Not the Chinaman, Condi. The other guy, you referred to, bin Lad somethin’.RICE: Well, Osama bin Laden is the No 1 threat to the Land of the Free.BUSH: Uh-oh, you mean that Saddamn guy, dotcha? Go on.RICE: Well, Mr President, coming to Saddam Hussain. The man is getting increasingly defiant.BUSH: Damn Saddamn, nearly killed Daddy.RICE: He’s threatening us again by threatening to eliminate all his missiles.BUSH: Somebody stop the maniac, Condi, time to send in the B-52s before he does that.RICE: Precisely my sentiments, Mr President. Just phoned Tommy Franks and asked him to go into full mobilisation.BUSH: Mobil-isation is fine, but don’t leave out our friends in Exxon and Amoco. We need Exxon-isation and Amoco-isation, as well as Mobil-isation.RICE: As for Turkey, it will be a matter of five billion dollars more, I think, before their Parliament says yes to our troops on its soil.BUSH: Gee, I always liked turkey, especially the way Mom made it for Thanksgivin’ with the breadcrumb-mincemeat stuffin’ an’ all.RICE: Talking of stuffing, Mr President, just to divert a bit. Poor Old Tony Blair really had the stuffing taken out of him in the British Parliament the other day. His own party guys really tore into him.BUSH: Poor Poodle, think we should give him some ground support by airdropping our men for hand-to-hand combat with his trouble-makers? Want to talk to Tommy Franks about it?RICE: No, Mr President, I don’t think that will be necessary. However, we must get our act together for the final offensive.BUSH: Condi, smart girl, I can always count on ya to hit your head on the nail. You know the guy I find real offensive?RICE: Who?BUSH: Yeah, the China guy is pretty offensive too, but you know the guy I find goddamn offensive?RICE: Who?BUSH: I don’t mean the China guy, Condi — though he’s pretty offensive too and I always say we’ll have to bomb China some day to make the world safe for the free world — but you know the guy I find really offensive?RICE: Who?BUSH: Not Hu, Condi, the other guy who insults us by speakin’ French all the time. I always got a D Minus for French in school and there’s a whole nation out their speakin’ the darned language. It’s an insult to our intelligence, if you ask me.RICE: Oh, you mean Jacques Chirac? Well, yes, Mr President, now just to get back to our original brief about our plans for Iraq. As I said Mr President, Tommy Franks has identified 700 targets. He will get air support from 200,000 men and 1,800 aircraft, while British and our warships are fully mobilised to rain cruise missiles non-stop on..BUSH: Attagirl, Condi, give it to them. Bomb the Eiffel Tower, flatten out the Louvre, target every caf‚ in Paris. Let’s put out that cheese-eating surrender monkey, Jacques bin Laden.
