A sporting life

The Prasar Bharati Board must solve this problem before it starts up the channel. It has to meet the standards set by ESPN and STAR Sports. Nothing less will do. Viewers have become accustomed to their clear looks and will turn away from anything acned. Clearly, then, Doordarshan Sports (or whatever they’re going to name it) must get itself onto a new satellite. Otherwise, as they say in soccer parlance, DD will only succeed in scoring an own goal.

That is the first hurdle to be cleared. Next: the channel must obtain the telecast rights to the most important sports events on the calendar, national or international. And telecast them live. Events of interest to an Indian audience. So pointless to run after the World Skiing Championships. All this involves a great deal of money in order to outbid the competition. Where exactly cash-strapped DD is going to find the resources for such vast financial commitments, is anybody’s guess. Guess away.

Which brings us to the commentators and the presenters. If Doordarshan is to make any impression, it must, must, must without fail shoot Deepak Vohra first. Or, at the very least, strike him dumb. One searing right footer from our very own Baichang Bhutia should be enough to eliminate him from the starting line-up.

Nothing personal about it. Mr.Vohra could be a gem of a human being, kind to even cannibals, but he is not a sportscaster. His introductory remarks during each match of the World Cup have been so sweet they turn bitterly saccharine immediately upon delivery. And he has this silly, perpetual smile on his face even when he speaks which if you have ever tried it, is difficult to achieve. You require extra special muscles and extraordinary linguistic skills. He also has this awfully irritating habit of looking into the camera (and unfortunately into our eyes) while he is in fact addressing P.K.Datta on his left. Not only is this impolite, but it is terrible TV. He is excessively cheerful and unecessarily inane: “what’s the mood like in Calcutta….” Who cares? What he knows about football sounds like cricket, golf or nothing at all. Nothing at all is more like it.

Nothing personal about it. But if the likes of Mr.Vohra are going to be on the air, then DD might as well not bother with the sports channel. And we haven’t even got to the Hindi presenters/commentators. If you were lucky enough to watch India beat Sri Lanka (cricket, of course), in the Independence Cup (DD1), you will agree that if there is anything possibly worse than Vohra, it is our Hindi commentary of any sport (though thank DD for showing the highlights next morning). It is sluggish, uninspired — and boring beyond belief or description.

Bad commentators and worse experts ruin the best game. Good ones cost, require training or experience. You need to know when to talk (rarely) and when to hold your tongue (mostly). If you watched Wimbledon last week, you will know why a stiff upper lip can be an asset. The British commentators are so restrained, they seem tied to an invisible leash. Wish someone would tie up Mr.Vohra. Sorry to go on and on, but he is about the worst advertisement for Doordarshan’s sporting ambitions.