A different autumn

Somewhere along many a fast-paced life, memories of those stable fingers which offered the steadying effect as one took the first tentative steps, of those unfaltering hands that held one’s bicycle steady on the seemingly endless rounds before one was confident of cycling alone, have faded. The aroma of those lovingly prepared dishes has waned and that lap into which tears were shed the first time one was ditched by a best friend doesn’t look so inviting now that newer and more fascinating pleasures beckon. If there is one relationship which we take for granted, it is the one we share with our elderly parents.

And even when elderly parents are staying with the children, things may not necessarily be perfect. Though extreme cases of old parents being turned out of the house are rare, in urban double income families it is quite common to come across mothers who are relegated to the status of unpaid maids and baby-sitters. I’ve been unfortunate enough to witness instances where old parents are so evidently unwelcome in the drawing room whenever there are guests. Their opinions are perceived to be out of sync, their counsel taken to be dated, the stories of the past they recite have nothing to offer except rings of boredom.

But then, can even those of us who cannot be slotted into the above categories claim a clean chit? I guess not, for how many of us consider our parents when we talk about quality time with our families? We take into consideration the emotional needs of our spouses and children, but the emotional needs of our parents are often overlooked. It is not that we don’t care; we love them, but then we also take them so much for granted that it hardly occurs to us that our parents too have needs. Francis Bacon may have had a point when he said, "The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grief and fears." I think it is this silence — this lack of voluble protestations — that probably makes us easily overlook their anxieties and needs.

They may not have been the super parents we wished them to be. But they were always there beside us whenever we needed them, no matter what. Now, when they are old and crippled, slow and lonely, it is payback time.

Maybe it is best to remember that a few years down the line we’ll be where they stand now, craving for the company of our ever-busy children and grandchildren, waiting for a huge hug and a few loving words. The time we give back to our parents now can set the tone for the time we can get back then.