By Cheshta Rajora I was given a choice to be born as a 'boy' or a 'girl' - a choice that would determine my future course of life. Along with this, I was also asked to choose a family I'd like to be born in - a poor one or well-off? A permutation combination of these four choices would shape who I will be. As a girl from a poor family (or lower middle class), I will have to struggle a little more to survive after 3 months of my mother's pregnancy. If at all I see the sun, I would have to escape the clutches of my father, my grandmother, neighbours. If I grow up to be a healthy, happy beautiful girl, I might as well be pushed into sharing beds with men to earn some money. What if I choose to be a boy as it sounds rather scary to be a girl from poor family? Even being a boy does not sound as propitious. I would be loved as a newborn, but I will not be given the opportunity to do the things I 'really' want. What if I want to be a photographer, painter or dancer. And if I want to be a chef, they will say it's a woman's work. I would be pushed into being a 'man'. I will be told to keep my wife, sisters, and later my mother in 'control'. It's equally difficult to play this role. But what if I choose an upper class family? Maybe the gender will not matter. Maybe being a girl or a boy will not be as difficult. Yes. It would not be AS difficult, but difficult still. As an upper class girl, they will let me watch movies, read books, work at MNCs, but they will remind me every night, that I am a woman. But I am not too sure if they will let me ride bikes and stay late in office. And if I become a boy, will they like it if I tell them I don't want to be an accountant but a designer? Or if I tell them, I don't want money? Whether a boy, or a girl; upper or lower class, if I get to live till the age of 11 or 12, that age, when signs of puberty start to show up, I will be taught some life lessons that I will have to keep in my mind. I will be taught not to play with blue, or pink, not to play with my sister's dolls or brother's robots, not to play at all, to sit, to stand, to behave like soldiers in an army regiment. My friends will make fun of me if I sit with my legs folded, or my mother will pull my ears everytime I tell her I let my male best friend hug me. If I am a girl, my mother will teach me that now I am a 'woman'. She'll remind me that now I am not supposed to let anyone 'touch' me. Somehow, if I manage to survive that, thanks to my mother and father's advice, I will again be given an MCQ form to tick the right checkpoints. Not only my professional preferences but also my sexual preference. It will be too hard to tell them that I don't feel anything for the opposite sex? Or what if I am special, and I don't feel anything for anyone at all? Money, no money, education no education, will it roll the dices in my favour? What if I somehow choose what I want; the gender, the family, even religion? What if manage to get into good school? What if I also study hard and prepare for my exams. One day, I will wake up in the morning, get my lunch packed, give a warm hug to my father and mother, see them wish me luck for my exam, only to be shot in the head by some terrorists I never met. What if I tell you that this danger of death lurks more intensely than any danger behind every choice I am given? So much for living, yet so little for dying? 9 months verus one bullet? Therefore, maybe I choose not to be born at all. Here, away from the conundrums, it's lesser confusion, lesser struggle for my survival, a happier haven of oblivion. (The views expressed by author are personal. The writer is pursuing her English (Hons) from Daulat Ram College, Delhi University) Email author: rajoracheshta@gmail.com
