Celebrating 50 years of Project Tiger in jungleland

Tigerji: We are here by the skin of our teeth: if you remember what happened in Sariska and was it Pench – when every last tiger was poached and you people said all was hunky-dory and booted out the whistleblowers…?

Dij: Tigerji, we apologise for that but sometimes small mistakes happen. By the way, why didn’t any of you show yourselves to the Prime Minister when he went on his safari with his stylish hat and shades, recently? The poor man drove around for half an hour without seeing either you or leopardji here…

Tigerji: When we want to be seen, we show ourselves. Maybe there’s a lesson in this for all concerned.

Leopardji: Heh-heh, sirji, maybe the PM didn’t see us, but we saw him. From much closer than he or his security would have liked, perhaps.

Lionji: This Project Tiger is all very well, but why no Project Lion? We’re bursting out of Gir and now have to hunt stray dogs and goats in surrounding small towns and villages. What if we get canine distemper or rabies and go around biting all and sundry? Is that a life for the king of the beasts? And now you’ve gone and given that Kuno place to this firangi Speedo here (growls at the cheetah).

Cheetahji: Actually, we are already finding Kuno a bit cramped and they’re bringing more of us in; it’s going to become like your sabzi mandi there soon. That’s why we’re already looking for territories outside. I hear the lawns around Kartavya Path are pretty expansive; maybe we could stretch our legs there…

Elephantji: Just a minute! I think you all have forgotten that there’s an elephant in the room!

Leopardji (butting in): Your so called Project Tiger was aimed at protecting the entire forest ecosystem so that Tigerji and his missus could run around trees and make many little tigerjis, and they would eat the herbivores, which otherwise would destroy all the trees etc. When they made the habitat at the Yamuna Biodiversity Park suitable for us leopards and one of us began living there – you kicked us out. Don’t you ever think things through?

Elephantji: Hullo, there’s an elephant in the room or should I destroy the room in the next three seconds to remind you? You have a Project Elephant going on I believe, but you still blockade our migratory routes, for example through tea gardens and coffee plantations and throw firecrackers and bombs at us when we try to pass through. It traumatises our babies and we don’t like that!

DiJ: But Elephantji, the PM did bond with the elephants at the Mudmulai Tiger Reserve and met Bomman and Bellie. And you do raid illicit thekas so you will accept that a drunken testosterone-filled 5-ton charging bull-elephant can be quite an intimidating sight.

Elephantji: About as bad as a JCB entering a night-shelter? And, by raiding bars, we are discouraging irresponsible drinking.

DiJ: Okay, so Tigerji, what do you think needs to be done so that Project Tiger can be an equal success in the next 50 years?

Tigerji: Just leave us and our forests alone. Get out! Stay away! No Gypsy gheraos! And don’t touch the trees!

DiJ: But the money from tourism pays for the maintenance and protection of these tiger reserves, and for the compensation when you attack livestock and people.

Tigerji: We only attack people and livestock when they’re at the wrong place at the wrong time. Do you think we like dining on bony cattle if there are juicy, organic chital and sambhar out there, full of vitamins and natural goodness? And why do you think only in terms of money? If any of us go extinct, you are not going to be able to replace us with all the cash in the world.

Cheetahji (smirking): Well they have imported us, so they have replaced us with cash…

Leopardji (disparagingly): Do you know they’re also thinking of importing hippos, chimpanzees and zebras? Don’t feel so special now, do you?

Tigerji: We are proud Royal Bengal tigers and if we go extinct, no cheap imports from Chinese tiger farms will be able to compensate for the loss.

Loinji: What’s happening to us is so demeaning: the king of beasts hunting dogs and cattle! We’re becoming like slumdog leopardji here!

DiJ: Tigerji, congratulations: I believe plans are afoot to export some of you to Cambodia.

Tigerji: God save them! Do you know what they do to tigers in that part of the world?

DiJ: Of all the people involved in Project Tiger, who would you like to thank the most for the job they’ve done?

Tigerji: Those poor forest guards who have to patrol for miles on foot, day and night, in flip-flops, armed with a lathi and who sadly sometimes find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time.

DiJ: Thank you all!