Manoj Bajpayee charts his journey; from angry young man to a performer chasing perfection: ‘I’ve hurt people, but followed my conviction’

“I have been putting that pressure on myself for so many years, it is not new. That is where I have hurt, offended people. Many people could not get me, and started to think I am a hard nut to crack, I am a very difficult person. But you have to go with your own conviction. While choosing a film, I don’t even think about the audience.”

 

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The actor currently stars in the ZEE5 film Sirf Ek Bandaa Kaafi Hai, where his performance as a lawyer fighting against a godman, who is accused of raping a minor, has once again won him acclaim and a lot of hearts. Bajpayee, in his 30th year of films, says it is impossible to think about the audience at every stage, so he prefers to look inwards.

“I am in this business because I have certain expectations from my own self, I want to excel and be a part of certain kind of stories. There are challenges I love to meet and overcome– that’s what my life is an actor. I don’t see it any other way. I like to work with complete aloofness, without getting impacted or affected by anyone else.”

But it isn’t that Bajpayee’s journey of finding himself in aloofness was never devoid of complications. In the initial phase of his career, when he earned acclaim but never mass love the way he receives today, Bajpayee says it did get to him. He describes the phase when he was constantly angry, perennially restless, until he decided to change things.

“These kinds of things used to occur when I was young, when I was too angry and restless. As the time went by… The day I decided that I will not let success, failure, people’s opinion about me or validate my work, that was the day I became very easy. It happened around 14 years ago. That was the day I was at peace. I got rid of all the unnecessary stuff, got all the frills out of my mind, and since then I have been working without any other search other than that of the character and excellence.

“That’s all. I just kept working on my craft. Even in Banda, I have learnt so much, I know where I have gone wrong, where can I improve myself. These are the things that are my primary focus, rather than looking for validation from outside. This has made things easier and put me at ease.”

Today, Bajpayee says acting is so integral to him, it would be hard to imagine a life without it. If he must, the actor says, he would want to forget he ever was an actor so that he begins anew.

“If at all I had to imagine my life without acting, I will go into complete oblivion. I would like to forget whatever I have done in my life as an actor. At this point of time, I just can’t imagine. I only see myself performing, acting, but if at all I had to leave this, I would also pray that I don’t miss it at all,” he concludes.