Though the cult of brave films (think Celina Jaitley,pre-historic shocking pink lycra skirts,music that gives K-serial signature tunes stiff competition) is growing with each passing day in Bollywood,its strange how they are planning to throw moral science teachers in junior school out of work. Did you know that people work to send money back home? Did you know that childless couples should be treated with some degree of understanding? If you dont,go and watch Paying Guests. Only,the lessons will come from huge men in drag,women whose lingerie and dresses seem to be engaged in a catfight for screen space,and a director who probably dozed off when his film was being shot. (We presume he dozed off,because its preposterous to think that the dinosaurs have left their brains behind for some chosen humans).

So,there are four friends in Pattaya,who get themselves kicked out of their jobs. And they still want their share of booze,their share of girls in tight skirts and tacky dresses,and of course,they have to send money back home. And before everything else,they need a house to stay in after they get kicked out. And to show that he had not sent his senses on a Thai holiday,the director tells you that you dont get homes cheap in Thailand. Finally the four get a home that belongs to a Punjabi restaurant owner whose wife speaks the Punjabi English,Bollywood style. But they are told that they will not be allowed to stay unless they are married. And to save them from being rendered homeless Jaaved Jaffrey and Shreyas Talpade (two of the four friends) decide to dress up as women.

If you dont already get a hint of the nightmare that awaits you,you should rightfully be treated to the only item song in the film. It has four women,with all the natural,man made,imagined-in-nightmares colours on their faces. You cant look down,because the pieces of fabric that adorn them look like they have been ripped off Ram Leela sets,and you dont want to indulge in blasphemy. You cant look anywhere in between because cellulite,with or without glitter rubbed on it,is not a very aesthetically enlightening sight. And since they had not been told to lip sync,you would rather fiddle with your mobile phone. Its definitely slimmer and better looking,even if its Nokias debut model in India!

PS: Riya Sen,Celina Jaitley,Neha Dhupia and Sayali Bhagat have great careers as trophy wives. In fact,even trophies should take lessons in being still,inanimate and un-flattering from them if they intend to reclaim their identity!