We have to be the light in the tunnel

Are we missing the woods for the trees?

“Generation these days is very fragile.” “They are too impulsive and selfish.” “Attention seeking behaviour,” “We had it harder but still we coped,” “She has brought shame to her family,” “Act of cowardice,” – these are some statements we have heard about suicide in young people. These shaming beliefs about suicide breed stigmatising and yet dismissive approach. Blaming and shaming can only entrench the problem further by silencing young voices or pushing them to seek solace in the damaging cybersphere, which adds to the echo chamber of despair.

The other discourse is perpetuated by the mental health industry that pathologises the human suffering by labeling them “suicidal, high risk” and is quick with the band-aid approach of risk assessment and anti-depressants. A young person shared, “Nobody even tried to listen to me, they were just carrying out their job and ensuring they ticked the right boxes.” There is enough body of research by critical suicide studies that indicates that risk assessment approach is not moving the needle and possibly harming more than helping.

The phrase of “If it bleeds, it leads” encapsulates the damaging suicide sensationalising trend in media, particularly when celebrities are involved. The repetitive coverage, details of the methods used, videos or photos can seep into the imagination of already troubled minds. In a young person’s words, “The images from the news are imprinted in my brain and I cannot think of anything else. It is as if I am addicted to it.”

These dominant ideas are problematic as they do not take accountability of these unsafe practices and instead assume that our children are disordered when it is the structural and systemic injustices in our society that is out of order.

Every study indicates academic pressure and hopelessness about their future as the top cause of suicide in students. It is time we asked ourselves some difficult questions. How are we complicit in this injustice that contributes to the rising suicide rates in our country? What steps are we ready to take now that will invite children to resist oppressive ideas of “academic success”? Why is it that despite the growing number of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors in our country the suicides numbers are growing exponentially?

Don’t try to stop us, try to understand us

When I asked young people, their answers reminded me that the problem might be complex but the solution does not have to be rocket science. “Let our worth not be defined by our grades,”” Be our hope allies not hope destroyers,” “Our life is about us, don’t make it about yours.” What they are asking for is simple – understanding without judgment, be curious about what sustains them and keeps them going, standing alongside them and not against them. Narrative Therapist, David Newman, shared a compelling statement by a young person which will stay with me forever. “Don’t try to stop us, try to understand us. When you understand us, together we can try and stop us.”

Opting out and Opting in

Let me say it again. Our children are not safe. We need nothing short of a bold and actionable movement to address this crisis. Where schools, colleges, families, organisations, civic bodies, even government bodies could gather and build an alliance with a clear charter on what they were opting out of. We cannot let our children’s worth be defined by grades or the pressure or the fanfare about getting into certain “good colleges” when we know that apart from the name (and crippling student loans), education could come from diverse sources.

Right from an early age, we are recruiting our children into believing that there is one right way to live their lives, otherwise they are labelled as “failures.”

Instead, let’s opt into building safer classrooms, schools and colleges that honour all kinds of learners and commit to multiple pathways of success. I asked a few young people who had lived with suicidal ideas in the past on what helped them turn a corner. Some responses I got were: “Feeling safe and being understood.” “I had lived my life trying to fit in with what society demanded from me and felt like a failure. Life seemed like a burden and not worth living. Change happened when I realised that it is my life and I get to decide how I want to live it.” “Getting to know what I loved to do was my secret sauce. It gave me a sense of purpose,” “Finding my tribe, people who accepted me for who I am and loved me no matter what.” It is about understanding, agency, purpose and kinship. Like I said, no rocket science.

Opting out and opting in is not just a personal responsibility. Saving our children’s lives is a civil rights issue and not an individual problem. Change can only happen as a collective. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. We have to be the subversive light in the tunnel. I resonate with activist Angela Davis’s quote, “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change, I am changing the things I cannot accept.”