The silent inheritance: How children unconsciously absorb their parents’ ideologies, and what we can do about it

This article explores how children internalise their parents’ ideologies – particularly around power, money, and social hierarchy – without even realising it.

As a parenting therapist, I often hear: “My child gets so aggressive and doesn’t talk to me at all. I don’t know where he’s picking it up from,”
or “Yesterday, my son lied to his friend that we’re going to Paris for the holidays. I don’t know what fantasy world he lives in.” Often, it’s time for parents to reflect inward.

Maybe your child learned aggression at school, where the quiet kid is ignored while the loud one gets respect. They internalise the message: to be safe, you need to be angry. Or perhaps your child lied to fit in with peers, having noticed that the popular kids are those who talk about international holidays. That “harmless” lie might stem from a deeper desire to feel accepted.

Take a common example: how families behave around wealthy relatives. A child might observe their parents becoming overly polite, excessively admiring, or even deferential to someone just because they’re rich. Over time, the child learns that wealth equals respect, even at the cost of authenticity or self-worth. This unconscious modelling plants deep ideological seeds, shaping the child’s sense of value, self-concept, and social dynamics.

When children see their parents place high value on status or appearances, they may begin to believe that love and approval are conditional. They feel the pressure to look a certain way, achieve certain milestones, or behave unnaturally just to be worthy of attention. This can lead to perfectionism, low self-esteem, and chronic anxiety about being how they are perceived.

They may start “sucking up” to influential adults, not out of genuine respect, but out of fear. Fear of exclusion, rejection, or being seen as lesser. These behaviours don’t arise from understanding, but from adaptation. Subconsciously, the child is learning to mirror what they see being rewarded.

Here are some tips to help you control (Photo: Unsplash)

So what can you do as a parent?

Reflect on your own patterns

Begin by acknowledging that your child’s responses may be a reflection of your own thinking, conditioning, or childhood insecurities.

Practice value-driven parenting over performance-based parenting

Consciously model values like kindness, curiosity, effort, and integrity. Praise your child for who they are—not just for what they achieve.

For example, instead of saying, “You won the trophy! I’m so proud,” try saying, “I love how hard you worked and how kind you were to your teammates.”

Celebrate character more than accomplishments.

Don’t turn your child into a symbol of your own success. Avoid showcasing them to impress others, or expecting them to “behave nicely” only when guests are around. Teach them to be authentic, and trust that respect doesn’t have to be performed.

Normalise conversations around privilege and bias

Children are more perceptive than we think. Talk to them openly about fairness, inequality, and perspective.

Say things like, “Yes, your uncle has a big house. But that doesn’t make him more important than someone who works in a small shop. People have different lives, and all deserve respect.”

These everyday dialogues help build a balanced worldview, and raise children who think independently rather than blindly conform.

Let children inherit your heart, not your hierarchies.