Opinion How to raise a boy: We cannot raise our sons alone. That is why we have invited the right role models into our home

Quite a lot of the jargon is lost on my middle-aged husband, Amit and I. And that’s exactly the point of these dinners with “bhaiya” — to provide an opportunity for our adolescent boys to connect with a relatable role model, who can guide them on aspects of life where we may not be knowledgeable or well-equipped. Naman, who leads a live entertainment business, is a close family friend’s son and now a mentor for our boys. He comes over for a home-cooked meal once a quarter or so.

“I can talk with Naman bhaiya about so many topics,” says Amartya. “He really knows his stuff, especially technology,” echoes Agastya. Naman enjoys the dinners too. “Both boys harbour an elemental curiosity about an array of subjects. The dinners give me the opportunity to engage with two bright boys who remind me that the art of conversation can be wide-ranging, rejuvenating and rewarding all at once,” he says.

The idea to set up a dinner series of role models for our boys had three origins. First, a few years ago, I helped create Wonder Girls, a digital learning programme for underprivileged adolescent girls, where having access to relatable role models was a cornerstone of the initiative. The girls loved being able to speak to a curated set of professionals, from scientists to journalists. It was transformative in expanding their worldview. The programme got me thinking: Are boys being left behind when it comes to role models?

Secondly, a few years earlier, as a new mother, I had read a seminal book, Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys, where he stated that from “about 14 years of age, boys enter a new stage of boyhood where they need mentors — other adults who care about them personally, and who help them move gradually into the larger world. Old societies provided initiation to mark this stage, and mentors were much more available…. Mid-teen boys received a burst of intensive care and attention from the whole community. These cultures knew something that we are still learning — that parents cannot raise teenage boys without getting the help of other adults.” This insight left a deep impression on me as a parent.

Finally, more recently, I was getting worried about the perils of online influencers such as Andrew Tate and their alarming toxic masculinity. Surely our teens deserved better archetypes of what it means to be a man?

So combining these three insights, I decided to invite some young men (and sometimes women) in their 20s and 30s home who could just have a meal and talk to us about their work and their lives. Apart from Naman bhaiya, there’s Krish bhaiya, a twenty-something finance professional who also visits quite often, and previously Aaran bhaiya, who works in climate change.

The dinner series is working out so well that it has now expanded to older guests — our friends, close acquaintances and work-related guests. Men and women, whose professional lives span technology, business, sport, politics and policy. For my husband and me, most of our social life takes place around our dinner table, rather than anywhere outside. We like sitting down in small groups over dinner, and the boys are always present and part of these conversations. “I really enjoy them. I get to hear the stories of our guests’ lives. It widens my perspective and exposure. I see how people from different walks of life present themselves, how they communicate,” says Amartya.

Maybe not every parent wants to organise a dinner series for their teenage son. Parenting is hard enough without taking on additional tasks. But I think Biddulph’s insight is invaluable: Getting teenage boys to interact with real-life role models, especially in this digital world, is important. It could be a sports coach, or a family friend’s son, or an uncle, for example.

It’s too early to say how having “bhaiyas” in their lives is shaping Amartya and Agastya. They have not reached the stage where they are able to reflect and articulate on “what it means to be a man”, what it means to be healthy, successful and fulfilled. That’s a few years away. But what I do know is that they’ll have enough real-life references to go back to, when they do — “bhaiyas” who are curious, intelligent, friendly, talented, kind and make the time to sit across the table and talk.

Raje is a writer, public speaker and talent scout for the ‘role model dinner series’